Lynnie's Take

Dads Home

2012-02-06T17:01:00.001-08:00

So my son has decided he wants to live with his dad. Only his dad said if he lives there it will be permanently.. Apparently, at his dads he can play m games, get a Facebook, shoot a gun, have a knife, yada yada yada.. Life will be much better at his dads!! What a slap in the face eh???

Eye for an Eye

2012-02-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't life be interesting if we lived eye for an eye? Tooth for tooth? Do unto others as they have done unto you?? What if I took away his car keys? His credit cards and his wallet? What if I shoved him out in the cold? In the dead of winter? What if I didn't do anything for fathers day or for his birthday? Oh wait I did.. That hurt I am sure.. but that was after 12 years.. What if I ignored his phone calls and text? Oh wait I did and he left for four days.. What if I banned him from spending time with his friends? What if when he cried I told him I couldn't handle it and walked away and left the house? What if I tried to show up to a concert unannounced that I knew my wife would be to and bring another woman (sexes reversed of course)?? Well that failed in a humorous twisted way. What if I told his kids he didn't love them? What if I again didn't return texts or calls and started seeing someone else? What if I cheated on him? What if I lied to him about other men? What if I never invited him to functions with my friends? What if I acted embarrassed of him? What if I acted like I didn't like his family? What if I acted put out to hang out with his family or friends? What if I planned vacations with couples and not him? What if I showed up to a function that I knew he would be to hanging on another man or men? And every time he came around hung on those men more? What if everyone else in the room noticed the immature game I was playing? Wonder what people would think of me? What if I went home with someone else? Hmm.. what would life be like? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Do unto others as they have done unto you?? Interesting concept. I'm guessing life would be quite miserable.. Karma maybe? :/

Where are the Smelling Salts!

2012-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Today I seriously had the most surreal thing happen. I have been dreading my writing class cause last week my teacher made an example of me and put my mistake up on the board. I was crushed. Downtrodden if you will.. I wanted to cry. Apparently, you are not supposed to start a sentence with an "ing" word. Well he didn't need to put it up there and let everyone know. I was so super pissed. So I left thinking ugh you are such a jackass! I hate this class.. lol. I told my friend this today and she said I wouldn't be upset. It is a learning experience and everyone is learning from it. I said to her.. Um, that's how a normal person would think! She laughed. I was really pissed and dreading my next assignment to boot. So today I sit in my class with my new found irritation of my professor. Listening and he is having a come to Jesus with everyone about grammar. I just sat there thinking I know I know the difference between too and to, their and they're, and yada yada, but maybe since my last experience I am a total idiot! Well we talk about the essays we had to read and all that jazz. Well the end of the class comes up and he is handing out our papers. All I can think is great, can't wait for this fun-filled beat down! As he is handing papers out he says.. Out of all my classes only one person got a 10 and that person is in this class! I open up my paper (stapled as he has said he likes) and on the back there is a 10! Are you freaking kidding me? I read it two or three times and think am I reading this right? His handwriting is a little scribbly! Well I walk right up to him after a few people have left class, a few still lingering. I flip my paper over and I say to him.. Is this right? He says.. Yes, you got the 10. Everyone Tory got the 10! I look at him and say seriously? I got my ass handed to me last week! I was super scared of my narrative! He said.. Yep, you did get your ass handed to you and you listened, and you did great! A few students started cheering and I did my little happy dance! I am seriously in shock! His marks basically asked for more about my opinion and he agreed with my statements. The the last statement was... You're a strong writer: analytical and logical. You have a nice flow and engagement with information. Very clean writing. Are you freaking kidding me?? Still in shock!!

Omfg!

2012-01-28T03:38:00.001-08:00

Seriously! Who needs to come in making sure they have their arms around two girls at once? Little much eh? Only married my ass! Trying a little hard to go out of your way to piss me off? I knew it was against my better judgement to show up! Over acting with the women really? I am no longer in junior high! Don't need to let me know how desirable you are to be all over partially married women! Grow up! I already know who you truly are after two years!! You fucked up! This was your choice! No reason to try and make me jealous. If I was a huge bitch I could've behaved in the same manner and you would've ended up pissed off beyond belief! The night ended up exactly how I thought it would. So I decided it was best I left and didn't participate. Leaving with a little dignity. This wasn't even my choice. Not sure what the fuck you thought this may prove, just made yourself look like an ass..

Insane Life and Times

2012-01-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

So I am feeling really old! I am too old to pull these all nighters. Wednesday night I drank way too much. Went out with a couple friends after class. Had some fried pickles. Couple drinks. Laughed soo hard my cheeks hurt! Love love love these friends! The random silly shit coming out of their mouth had me laughing soo hard! Well I paid for that night dearly yesterday. Hung over barely functioning at work. Running late to work. Barely able to get out of bed. I felt like a complete train wreck at work. Threw clothes on and just kind of jumping out of bed and heading out. I felt like I looked like Courtney Love.. lol
Well I pummeled through. It was rough. My favorite friend's last day is today. I don't work Fridays and he was cleaning out his desk. I was so sad! I said to him, you aren't supposed to clean out your desk til tomorrow. I don't want to see you cleaning out your desk.. He laughed. I told him he couldn't leave til he gave me a hug. When he left he hugged me, I was holding back tears big time. I asked my lead if they were having a party for him and she said she wasn't aware of one. All I could think is three years and no party? I felt terrible! He is a great guy. What a way to show him thanks, by just being like don't let the door hit ya in the ass.. UGH! Well, I gave him a card and a can of cookies. Telling him I would miss him and to not forget about me. I am excited for him to move on to bigger and better things, but I will miss him dearly!
Last night I had bunko. My poor kids are farmed out two or three days a week! Ugh.. only once a month I guess. They are having fun with their cousins at least. I had fun, but didn't enjoy it as much as I normally would cause I think I was sooo out of it and tired from the night before. I swear I literally hit the floor running now. I never really understood this expression, but my feet hit the floor and I go. My life is busier than it has ever been. I am trying to find a way to organize my time and everything that goes in it. I really have no other choice. I get up go to work, come home go to school, try to hit in the gym, make dinner, study, go to bed... It is insane! Literally insane! But I really hate to admit it, but I think I like it. At least I feel I have a purpose and am doing something with my time instead of wasting it I guess. Wish me luck at making all this fit together somehow... I gotta find a way to do it all! Cause I deserve better than this!!! :)

My Head May Explode

2012-01-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today was not the greatest day. I have no idea why. It isn't like something terrible happened. It was just a yucky day. Well, I guess I should say I have been thinking about how somebody said.. "You don't shit where you eat." I get it now. I understand that the statement is completely crude, but I get it's meaning. Work is hard enough for me right now, but to date somebody there is even harder. (My therapist says there is not a problem dating in the workplace if it is a healthy relationship with a healthy whole person. She says how else do you meet and bond with people? What does this tell ya??) If I didn't work with him he wouldn't pull me back into this cycle. This sick fucked up two year cycle! Ya it's been that long. I should be so proud of myself right now for letting it go on this long.
Since I work with him, I have to see and deal with him every day. As if it wasn't bad enough to have the girl above me be bitchy and talk shit to everyone so I don't really have friends anymore.. I had to go and date somebody I work with. This lost soul is confused beyond doubt. Why do I need to put myself in the mix? I have enough on my plate as it is. I'm struggling to do school, work, kids, hair, house.. It's just too much. Can't there be someone to make my life easier? Work sucks big time. I totally hate it and now I get to possibly go sit by him. Yay me! I had gotten a sitter for a work party this friday, but why? I don't really have any friends there anymore. The girl above me has made short work of that. The guy I was dating has bigger issues than I once thought. Sounds like a fan-fucking-tastic evening to me.. Ugh! Maybe he will bring a date or start hitting on the girls at the office. Or hit on the blonde waif girl in the corner at the bar! All sound like great times to me! Why stop there? Right? Flirting in front of you ex is a totally sane thing to do right? Why not just leave with her? Or one of my coworkers he pretends to hate? Ya.. even better.. FML

Family Miracle

2012-01-22T16:39:00.000-08:00

Oh my good lord. I am so grateful for my family today! My step dad came over and kicked ass at my house today! I have no idea what I would do without him. He capped my fireplace so that snow won't come down and I can finally light a fire. Then he lit a fire up to make sure it was all working good. Who would've thunk that a cap was only $30 and just screwed on?? Then he fixed my leak, well partly, which is awesome and showed me what part I had to take into the plumbing supply to get a replacement. I had already fixed my bathroom drain, which feels fantastic when I can do it myself and not have to nag or beg someone else to do it. It is so hard for me to ask other people. It makes me feel terrible. Like I am a needy weak woman. Or worse, if they act put out I feel terrible!! So terrible it usually brings tears to my eyes. So after I get the replacement it is something I can do myself. Yay! Then he put in two light fixtures for me. I've had these two stupid lights for almost two years that have needed to be put up in my kids room, but I felt terrible asking for it to be put up. He never complains either. He just says yep I can do it. What else can I do to help? Really he wants no money nothing. He just says have me some beers! lol Ever since he has been married to my mom he will never tell us no. He is awesome! Watching him do all these things today I was talking to my mom and told her that this really made me miss Ryan. Not that I want to be with him cause he is an ass, but I never had to nag him to do things around the house. He was and still is an extremely hard worker! I wouldn't have all these fix up problems. I would point him on it and he would get to it. He would get his brother in law or someone to help if he couldn't figure it out himself. He didn't hire anything out! She said I know, Bob is awesome. You never need to ask him twice. As I thought about this, this is totally his love language and it made me remember that it was Ryans as well. Even if I didn't feel I needed his help, I remember countless times I just started painting and he would never just sit his ass in front of the tv while I did it. In fact, he hardly sat in front of the tv unless it was Sunday night football. He always helped. Some of my best memories with him are working hard. We worked well together and he always made me laugh. Hopefully, or I should say I won't settle til I do, can find a guy who is a hard worker AND treats me like a princess. Guess it will just take time.
Then my mom said, lets get this tree down... lol. Yes, sadly I still had it up! I am having an extremely hard time juggling work, school, kids, and hair. I've done hair every day I haven't had school.. Even more reason to get my laundry room done!! So she went to work taking down my tree while I helped Bob get the other things done. I love that she just jumped in there! She said what else can I do? And she started vacuuming. So grateful!
Last night I had a great night. Went to dinner with an old friend. It was so nice to laugh and to feel like he really enjoyed my company. No stressful conversation about feelings or my kids. :( He didn't act irritated with me at all. It felt nice. He talked to me about my kids and laughed about their silliness. I have felt so unattractive lately. Have felt as though all I am is a dumbass. Like everyone thinks I am a moron. Not only at work, but at home too. :( He just enjoyed my company. He didn't treat me like I am stupid at all! Think I really needed that. I am sick of feeling like everyone thinks I am a moron. Its nice to have someone smile at me and make me feel like I am slightly attractive and fun again.. :/ If I talk to a guy and they don't smile I just think they don't enjoy me or don't think I am funny at all. It makes me feel bad about myself. Usually men really like my silly fun personality. I thought I used to be fun! Not sure what has happened to me. Although, he did say to me... glad to see you are back to yourself. I said what? he said, you were so negative in the summer. You seem to be a little happier again.. Not sure how to feel about that right now. Hopefully, I can get it back I guess! :/

Yay Me

2011-12-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

Omg! Today was such a terrible day at work. Ugh... basically she doesn't want to give me time off again, except this time I am in the red about it. So I email my lead and supervisor, they in turn take her out into the hall and have a talkin with her.. not only about me being able to do whatever I want with my pto, but about her attitude I guess. I felt terrible. Terrible that she got a talking to, or the embarrassment that one would feel. I don't feel bad that she is no longer my friend, cause of course she isn't talking to me now. Then my boss takes me in cause he wants me to air all my woes, but I don't want to. I think she will retaliate, which he does not believe. Whatever. I don't think it will make a bit of difference, but he is irritated that I am not talking to him about it. Says he wants me to be happy in my job. I said, do I not come into work happy? He said yes, but he said you aren't getting it. I said yes I am getting it. He asks if I am excited to come into work. Hell no I am not excited right now. I hate it. I dread it. Does anyone love love love their job? I highly doubt it, but I make the best of it and have a good attitude. I come to work and have been working very hard. Extra hours even. I know I am doing my job well right now, but I think she will find any reasons to throw me under the bus. My boss doesn't get it. He doesn't see it. Don't think he will. I would rather spare my work environment right now. It was an emotional mess of a day. So emotionally drained that I somehow avoided shedding a single tear. Surprising myself that I don't give a shit if I lost a few friends today. So unlike me. Usually so extra sensitive. I am exhausted and worn out from everything I do. Emotionally drained from giving giving giving.
Then I get to come home to my kids fighting. Then squirting each other with the squirt bottle. Water all over the kitchen.. Then guess what to top it off?!?! Oh yeah.. dog poop!! Love love love my life today! Gotta go down for one of the worst.. yay me!

A Day In My Life

2011-12-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

Ugh. What's on my mind today?? What's on my mind is how much I need a new job for so many reasons! I go in and work. Working more hours to help out and it doesn't seem to matter. Seems like no matter what I do I'm gonna piss her off. I asked for the whole day off today and she tells me no only a half a day. So I go in and she's like I don't have you as leaving early... Are you effing kidding me?? I have the whole email chain to prove it so I forward it on to her and she is like well you didn't say anything so I didn't put it on the calendar. Oh yeah, there was nothing for me to reply too... I just put it back on her for once. I said you said I could have a half day, there was nothing left for me to say. Here's my email. Oh yeah.. ugh! I am frustrated that she thinks I can't have any time off. Its not like I am asking for a vacation here. I do have a life, but whatev. I just really don't think she likes me. Whatever, don't like me, but you can be nice to me. Ya win some ya lose some. I am the only person putting in extra hours in an attempt to help get caught up. She is over me and one other guy and he is sick of it too. Just her attitude mostly. We both know we can't say anything or she will make our lives miserable. It's a no win situation.
Then I have Mr. Words again. I'm sorry. I apologize. I don't think he gets it. For the last six months this is all he has done. All words no action... Shockingly enough some people do get sick of being the only person doing any work. And relationships take work. DUH!
Then my poor son accidentally text his step mom some privileged information that he knew about christmas. Basically her son let the cat out of the bag, but she blamed my son for snooping, which he didn't. Her son told him. He told her and was honest, but she wouldn't let it go! I felt so bad. He did the right thing, but I finally told him to stop responding. She was just trying to fight. He answered honestly, but she wouldn't let it go. Looks like my ex met his match. Pretty funny indeed! Sad part is now my son doesn't want to go...
I did get my steri strips removed today. Looks pretty good so far! So glad to get that stupid stuff off. Now to massage and it does not feel good at all right now! But no more spanx.. yeah boy!

Talk Is Cheap

2011-11-29T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I was avoiding putting this out there in the universe cause I have been doing my best to let it all go, but then people decide to throw it in front of me so I have to address it. And honestly, I don't want to deal with the feelings. I can address the feelings, but it is getting old. Obviously, talking about them won't do any good. Obviously, talk has been extremely cheap in this situation. I am sick of hearing the feelings of loving me and missing me. So he loves me and misses me, who gives a shit if he can't/won't do anything about them right? His loss. So he finally asked why I was ignoring his text. Well responding to his text got me nowhere. All it did was give him the ability to keep me on the line. His actions clearly showed that he wasn't interested in a relationship. Texting someone once a day hope you had a great day, or have you seen today's groupon is a far cry from a relationship. He can go ahead and ask me those questions at work. Not talking about or making plans to be together on the holiday sure the hell isn't a relationship. He clearly won't be there for me when I need someone. Where the hell was he when I didn't get my job? When I had a shitty day? Can't even pick up the phone and talk to me because he is so self involved. Having himself a little pity party I suppose. That definitely isn't a relationship. Or maybe it is. Maybe it is the one he is used to or the one his ex wife let him get away with. His actions clearly indicate that he won't be there for me when I need someone. Keeping me on the line and texting me once day while he decides, or while he sees other people, or who the hell knows what else... Umm...I think not! I will not be on the line for a booty call or anything else less than what I deserve. And I definitely deserve more than he is giving me. I'm not even sure what he thinks he is offering me at this point. Oh right, haha, what was I thinking? It's not about me duh!! The worst part is clearly he doesn't get it. Or clearly he hasn't talked to anyone about it. Or clearly doesn't see the huge signs he has shown me as of late. If this was him showing me he loved me and wanted to be with me then he has way bigger issues than I originally thought. And I definitely don't want to talk to him and list out all the things he has done wrong like he is a child. I am so beyond that! And what an incredible waste of my time. It is sad that he didn't see it or get it and was too self involved to even care. Sad that he doesn't realize all I am and have to offer. His loss. He showed me that he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to put ANY work into it. Or at least with me... So don't have one then. And don't have one with me. He is lucky that I even replied to his email. Talk is cheap and that is all he has been as of late.

This Day Won't End Soon Enough

2011-11-23T18:01:00.000-08:00

This has definitely not been a good week. It started out crappy on Saturday. When I went in for what was supposed to be a scar revision. A scar revision that would feel like I had gotten a local and felt a little tenderness like going to the dentist. The F it did! I laid down on the table and he started shooting me with a local, which hurt like a son of a beast. Then he continued to cut two triangular portions of skin off my hip area. IT HURT SO BAD!! So bad I was shaking uncontrollably and felt lightheaded. I totally thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Then I could feel sections of him stapling and then stitching my skin back together. It was terrible! Apparently the lady before me got put out. Don't know why I didn't get the luck of that draw, but it was horrendous. She told me I would only need ibprofen. Five days later I am still on percocet. It was quite painful. Still hurts. It hurts to walk and move. I am stiff and sore and its rubbing on my pants. Ugh!
Then I applied for a job and interviewed on Friday. I didn't think I did well and then got a second interview on Monday. When I got there there was another girl. We both met the director. After that I went to work feeling like hell. Later that day I got a call letting me know they chose the other girl. I was sooo bummed. I want to get out of my current job. I want a job that I can grow in and will make better money. I want to get away from the constant man friend drama. I can't call him more than a friend. Well I guess a friend with benis, but that definitely doesn't make me feel good. :( Monday was such a disappointing day. Luckily, I have good friends. Last night we went and had margaritas and I vented my woes to them. Hopefully, one day I will find a man who will be there for me and want to make my day better with margaritas or whatever the moment so calls for. I've had plenty of guys say I'm sorry you're having a bad day, come over and I'll make it better. Does that only last temporarily??
Today was a terrible day at work. I couldn't wait for it to end. I just wanted to cry. I went into work and saw the girl above me was reading my email from the night before asking for a day in December off because my kids are all in a play and I have tickets to the matinee show. Well she didn't reply to my email. She has been giving me constant grief about taking time off. It is ridiculous. She wouldn't let me have Halloween off because we were so busy. I was so angry. I went in and we had no new work. I had such a bad attitude that day. Well anyway when I went into work I sat down and started working. Well my lead came over and was telling me about her trip to Disneyland. The girl above me came over, hit my chair, and said work while you talk. I said I am working, which i was. Then my lead, which is above her, said she is working while she is talking to me. She just shook her head. I said I am working. I was sooo pissed. Even my lead saw I was working. It's like she just wants to be a bitch and find a reason to be mad at me. Then my lead replied it was okay for me to have the time off if it was okay with her. Well apparently we are too busy to take the time off. I told my only other coworker who does the same thing and he said we are all caught up. And the day I asked for off is two weeks away. I am so tired of her! Its as if she has it out for me, which makes me even more disappointed that I didn't get that job! I swear I am her and my man friends dumping ground. They are both snippy with me as of late and I have no idea why. I asked my man friend and he didn't really give me a reason why he is being short with me. Here I am trying to be nice to everyone and look what it gets me. I'm the one people should be going out of the way to be a little extra kind to at the moment!! All I know is I really really really really need to find myself a new job! :(

Zero Chronicles 1

2011-11-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to a friend tonight and she asked me an innocent enough question. Why did I get divorced. I haven't thought about this in a long time. And as I told her why the words just spewed out. With out any emotion. Very casual. I told her my life was a made for lifetime primetime pathetic movie. And it was, but as I told it I thought wow, I've come a long way from the day I packed our things into totes in our van and drove away from him. I have a lot to be grateful for and it is time to refocus. I need to figure a way to go it on my own. No wonder I didn't really care if I ever had a man. So in order for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will now rehash the nightmare of my marriage to zero. If I can pack my things into a tote and move state without knowing where we were going to live, I can certainly survive this.
So just for shits and giggles I will start with this gem of a story. Its a story of mothers day..
So I woke up to him telling me to get my ass out of bed and that if i wanted breakfast I was going to have it at his friends house. I told him I just wanted to stay home. Why couldn't he make me breakfast? Or hell.. why not order it out or get mcyd's lol? So he insisted like the ass he is/was and so I refused. Big move for me. He left. Took all the kids crying and went to his friends house. I of course fell apart. Cried on the couch for a bit. Then thought... screw him. I'm gonna go shopping and buy myself a present. Went to the mall and had a mighty good time by myself. lol. Went home and watched tv. Then he called me later in the day and asked if I wanted to go get dinner? Go get dinner? As in not make me make him dinner on mother's day lol? He hardly ever wanted to go out. Didn't want to spend the money. I guess all his friends that he was spending mothers day with started to give him shit for leaving me at home... We went out to dinner and all turned out ok, but I will have you know, I never had another mothers day alone with him. The few years after that I went to my neighbors and he cooked us breakfast. As a man should! :)

When Words Lose Their Meaning

2011-10-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

There seems to come a time when there are no more words that can be said. You've said all you can say. The feelings expressed start to feel like they go nowhere. Like they somehow magically lose their meanings. I care about you, I love you. Yeah, what's new? The feeling is mutual. What do you want me to do about it? Want me to force you into something you clearly state you cannot handle? Want me to beg and plead? Isn't this what true love is? Letting someone find what they are really searching for? Letting them be happy even if it means it won't be with you? Definitely doesn't mean I want to watch it! Or see him move on!
He irritates the hell out of me in the fact that he acts as if I have choices in this matter! OMG! Seriously! I am so powerless in this situation. The only choice I have is to date and move on. Find a new job and move on, so I don't have to see him. See him and know he can't find a way within his heart to work it out. Who am I to tell him what he can or cannot handle? This is his life too!
I am afraid of what I will do next. I think of doing not rash things. Not to manipulate him in any way shape or form. Not to make him make a decision. Just to mearly find a way to ease the pain. To find a diversion. I didn't want to, but I do not know what else to do. Now I am at the point where no words seem as though they can make any difference anymore. I don't see how a little insight can make this right... :-(

The List

2011-10-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

It appears to becoming increasingly more difficult to work with someone after a break up. I thought it was going to get easier with time, but it's just getting harder. The constant back and forth is exhausting. The drama unbearable. The picking me up one day and dropping me the next is torture. When I see him and he talks to me, I can tell he loves me. I can tell he wants to be with me. Its a daily battle. I see that he loves and wants to be with me, but then I have to hear him tell me he can't. I have to come into work every day and deal with this. I still have three kids to take care of. Then he will hug me and tell me that he loves and misses me. Just the touch of him and his body next to mine is more than I can stand. The chemistry is crazy. So magnetic. I am so drawn to him. It sucks. I know that I cannot be his friend until I move onto someone else. Until someone else is holding my heart and I do not want him. That is the only way I can have guy friends. I can be friends with my last love because I no longer want him in that way. I only have the capacity to fill my heart with one love at a time. That is a good thing right? Well I still cannot fathom the thought of going out with another guy. I know I will just cry. I don't know what to do.
Well yesterday he sat there and told me all the reasons he cannot be with me. It was torture. My natural reaction is to make it better, but the reality is some were flat out excuses. He actually told me that we didnt have the same goals. That he wanted to go back to school. That I want to go back to school or get a second job doing hair or get another job.... All I could think is are you effing kidding me? Wow! What opposite goals. There is only one thing that is not similar, but he goes to therapy once a week and she tells him how much it won't work. Which is odd, cause that is not something my therapist would say. Given the information at hand. She would if there was abuse involved, but whatever. She laughs at the unlikeliest of pairs that get together. Love just isn't logical at times. You can't always explain it. Once again whatever. Anywho, the list just tore me apart. It angered me. I finally said, well after talking about all these reasons why it won't work with your therapist and "your list" and all my negative qualities, why the f are you still talking to me? Why still tell me you love and miss me? I was so angry. He said because I love you. I am tired of hearing all the negative things. It makes me feel bad about myself. And in reality I did what he asked of me. And I changed the things I could. I am tired of the drama. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the excuses. If he wanted to be with me he would. He would accept and love everything about me. He is not perfect. I accepted and loved everything about him. I do very much miss the good morning texts. The waking up and rolling over and hugging him. Him making my bed and leaving a note on it just to say how much he loved me. Laying in the crook of his arm. The making me coffee. The warming up of my car. The reeses just to let me know he thought of me. The nightly jogs. His goofy commentary. His goofy jokes to my kids. The way he would never not come into the bathroom when I shower just to admire my naked body...

Monday Ugh

2011-10-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

So this weekend wasn't the best weekend. Not the worst, but it was odd. My friends went out this weekend. Went out dancing, but I had no desire to go. So weird. Went out to the club and I had not desire to go there either. I wanted to just sit home. Watch tv and read. I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't really want to go meet guys. My friends tell me to get under someone else. Is this even fair to the guy? I know if I go on a date I will just cry. In fact just thinking about it this weekend made me cry. I'm not gonna lie it is freaking me out a tad! ;-( Most boys annoy me. Even a guy friend of mine is annoying me. He had a birthday celebration that I bailed on as well. I should get out and drink and try not to think of my problems, but I don't even want to...
Sunday turned out pretty good though. I went shopping with a new friend and ate dinner with different friends. Coming from not eating lately to eating that much made me very ill though! At least I got out of the house...

Baby Steps

2011-10-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

So my first therapy appointment was a success. I kept thinking to myself why am I going to see her. I know what to do. I know what she is going to say. I know what direction I need to move... And I do. She told me I appear a lot stronger than I was last time she saw me. And the reality is I am. I've been to this place before. I get stronger all the time. She commented on how independent and strong I am. I am, but I also realized what I love about her. She doesn't just sit there and ask me how I feel. I know I am moving in the right direction and know what to do, but she has huge insight on the human psyche. I love it. She gives me details on how people think and why they do what they do. She said you are more confident than last time I saw you. I said but I feel so unattractive at the moment. I feel like I am falling apart. I hate my job. I go to work and try to focus on my work and go home. Put one foot in front of the other. We talked about what direction I am going to move next. She agreed with my plan. I am trying so hard to do it, but am very scared. She said what makes you so frightened? You've been here before. I said it is just making the initial steps. The change is scary. I am afraid of the change. She said, but you adapt better than most. People like you. I agreed, still scary though. lol.
We talked about men and why they do what they do. I am not in the dark on this subject. She commented that she agreed I was doing the right thing in not trying to force anything on anyone. We talked about how independent I am and not needy. We talked about how he came from someone very needy. And about how I am handling it the way I should. And how it sucks that women really don't have a choice, but to wait for them to decide if they can do it or not. We can move on to another, but we cannot force a man to decide without resentment. She said if needed when I felt like it, to just tell him that I love him and tell him the other things needed to be said, but not to say it until I am ready. That being said, we talked about how I want companionship. I told her I didn't want to be alone and that even though I am very independent and can handle most things on my own (I told her I needed someone to open the pickle jar, reach things off high cabinets, and kill the occasional spider, this made her laugh) I want someone to fill that missing piece of my life. I want companionship. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am struggling so bad that I need help and encouragement to move in the direction that I already know I need to move in.. lol. So for now I will continue to take my baby steps.

Who Turned Out The Lights?

2011-10-07T21:01:00.001-07:00

I so need to snap out of this. It's so not gonna happen. Nothing is gonna change and why would I want it to go back to the way it was?? It's just ridiculous. I know I have fantastic qualities. I know there are plenty of men who would love and appreciate all I have to offer and treat my children with love and respect. I don't need a dad. They have a dad. Just someone to treat them with love and respect and back me up. Treat me how a woman should be treated to show my children how a relationship should be. By example!!
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I deserve more out of my life. I want to feel like I used to. I'm trying to figure out what went wrong, but does it really matter? I know I treated him with love and respect. I know I communicated to the best of my ability. I know I tried to give him everything he needed. I was honest in all my dealings. I was completely faithful. I understood he wasn't perfect and had his issues, like everyone else, but I accepted them and him. All I wanted was to be treated like a princess. So if he had his issues I would let them fly because of that. Really wtf more can a girl do?? :(
My kids are going to be teenagers soon and I know how life is when you are a teenager. You want to always be with your friends. One day they will even move out of the house and honestly I do not want to be alone. When they go off on their own as teenagers I want to have a companion. Want to share my life with someone. I also know I have some work to do. I was thinking today about where I was mentally when I met my first relationship out of my divorce. First off, I could've given a crap less to have a man. I had one that was an asshole and was ready to go it alone. When I met my first relationship out of my divorce, I was very confident and felt good about my body. I remember him telling me how confident I was when I first met him. It was true. Even seeing my body was no problem to me. I felt very comfortable in my skin. He even played with my loose belly skin and I didn't care at all! Well in the last two years I have had two surgeries... wtf does that say? And today I do not feel pretty at all! And my girl friends say wtf is wrong with you? I would LOVE to have your body. Even when I went to a party the other day the guy I used to date said I looked great. His bff said my body was smoking hot. Two other guys made similar comments. Just the other day I was told that I had a fantastic ass. All that said, why do I feel so unattractive? I want that feeling back that I had when I got out of my marriage. I have a few ideas of why I may be feeling this way now and I don't like this one bit! I need to do a little work on myself to get myself back to where I once was and move out of this shitty shitty rut!

Shrinking..

2011-10-07T10:19:00.001-07:00

I am so tired of crying and feeling sick to my stomach. I cant eat, can't sleep. Sucks big time. Need to drag my ass out of bed! Apply mascara to these swollen eyes. Not an easy task as of late cause my eyes are so swollen so it gets all over the lids! Lol. On an up note you can see that center groove down my abs again. Maybe I should fix that and drag my ass to the cupcake store!! Lol. Throw on some bedazzled tight ass jeans (cause they're on the floor from the past two days and fit! Lol) a hoodie and get the hell outta my house!!! Boo :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

In The Red

2011-10-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

OMG! I did not want to go to work today, but I forced myself out of bed today. Got up. Put on a way too tight of pants. Envision painted on. They were lying on the edge of my bed. Threw on last nights shirt and the shoes closest to the door. Did not want to go to work at all! And today was just terrible! I hate hate hated it! I get sick when this happens to me. Usually feel like I am gonna hurl, but today was even worse. I don't know if it was because i knew he was there or what, but it was way worse than normal. Not only was I nauseated, but when I finally ate today I was super sick to my stomach. That scary stomach ache. The one where you spend most of your time in the bathroom... it was terrible. Never had that reaction before. :( When I went there today I could hear him laughing. Seemingly flirting with a girl in the office. I was sooo pissed! Here I am miserable. Can't eat. Can't sleep. And he appeared to be having a grand ol time. Flirting with some girl. This behavior will push me over the edge. I wanted so badly to get up, walk over there, and kick him! Would i really do this?? NO! But i would give him a nice come to jesus... I was in the red (deep red by that) most of the day! UGH! Super disappointing! I have no idea how I am going to continue to work with him. It is making me physically ill. To top it off I don't want to see him hook up with another girl from work! I don't know how I am going to cope. I not sure how to deal. My damn therapist can't get me in for another week. :(
Part of me believes that he said it just cause he didn't want to hurt anyone. Or feeling that he was hurting my kids put him over, but all I can do is hear his words and assume that he meant them. Why does life have to be soo effing hard! ;(

Blahhhh

2011-10-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

So some people are saying that maybe he knew all along and was just waiting til he met someone. I am not going to say that this thought has not crossed my mind quite a few times already. And I'm not going to lie. It hurts like hell! Some say it was so wrong to leave me hanging for two years thinking it may work out and he may pull out if it. Say he must've known all along. Not gonna lie. Thinking the same thing myself. We had this conversation at six months, at one year, just recently.... I guess I should've listened. Should've told him no way in hell was I going down this road, but my heart was screaming the opposite! :'(
I already have no desire to go back to work. It's been two days and I really really don't want to go. I hate it. I hate the feelings I have right now. I feel sick. I feel like I want to throw up. Especially, if I think there is another girl. Makes me want to vomit just writing it down. I am extremely weak. You would think that a couple days wouldn't make me feel this weak, but I do! I have no desire to deal. It can't help that I am getting hardly any sleep. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. My thoughts a waking nightmare... I called my therapist to see if I could get in today and of course she isn't in today! My luck right?!? I just want to lie in bed. I went to the gym today in an attempt to get moving and hope to try to force myself out of the rut. I went at 9 am. All stay at home moms. A vision of what my life once used to be. Didn't seem to make me feel any better! :( I was weak and had a hard time getting through it. I'm sure it has something to do with the lack of food as of late. Ugh! Life sucks so bad right now!!

Blew Chunks

2011-10-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

So today blew massive large effing chunks! I hate hate hate it! It is gonna be one of those days where you cry yourself to sleep. Well I will cry myself to sleep. It effing sucks. I hate work. Kinda hard to leave your emotions in your car when someone breaks your heart on your break. Even worse just sat there and watched me cry. I had to tell him to leave. Why stand outside my car and watch me bawl? Its terrible! Had to open my door and tell him to leave. Why tell me when I still have to go back inside work? So everyone can see me cry? So everyone can see me fall apart? Why did he watch me? I feel sick on the inside right now. Feel like I want to throw up. I'm not sure what he expected me to say. All I could say is okay. I can't change his mind. I can't do anything about it. Like I said it effing sucks. Gonna be some very long nights with no sleep. I am sure I won't be able to eat. I feel like throwing up right now. I am going to cry until my eyelids are swollen and can handle no more. Til my head is throbbing. Not like it isn't already with this cold. I hate my life!!

Something Just Isn't Right in Denmark

2011-10-02T20:10:00.001-07:00

I'm just not feeling myself as of late. My universe is off. I don't feel pretty at all, which sadly rarely happens. I feel like my sense of humor is fading away. My sense of self is off kilter. My center is somewhere I cannot find... blek. This is no good. I feel sad about where I am in my life right now. Everything is so wacked. I have a feeling of why some of it is off. I need to find my way back. Gonna be a hard road. Wish me luck!! :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Omg

2011-09-30T14:33:00.001-07:00

When will the hurting stop!?!? Calgon take me away..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Borrowed Time

2011-09-16T13:01:00.001-07:00

Had a great night last night. He brought beautiful flowers and Halloween reeses! My favorites. :) So thoughtful. Loved it. Missed it... just trying to enjoy my time. I'm sure it will be short lived. Had an amazing meal with amazing sangria. :) followed by an amazing night. Feels good to feel good. Gonna try to savor every minute of it! While it lasts...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Can't Buy Love

2011-09-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Oh my this day has been way too emotional for one day! Ugh. I can do this. I can do this is all i can say to myself. Just keep swimming is the motto for the month. I continue to tell myself that I've been through worse. You can do this. Let me start off by saying I have managed to remove my ex drama. He took me to therapy which backfired on him. Now i get to communicate through his wife, which has greatly removed the biggest portion of my drama! I love it!!! But for some reason, the drama hasn't completely disappeared. WTF is wrong with this picture. I honestly do want to live a quiet life without drama. Minimal at best, but it follows me like the freaking plague.
First my daughter is not listening to her teacher. She doesn't feel the need I guess. Apparently, she doesn't want to read, she wants to color... blek! Seriously I said? You have one job, that is school. You need to listen... but she wanted to color! Duh! lol
My mother decided to finally call and try to rip feelings out of me in order to get me to talk to her again. I think it has been a month. What she really doesn't know is I am so emotionally drained I feel as though it is taking all i have to just breathe and function. All I really want is to run away. Pull a marie osmond right now. Leave everyone behind. I feel like i want to scream. I feel like i am suffocating right now. And I am not exaggerating. I am being pulled so many different directions at the moment. I feel like i have so many changes to make and I can barely function. I am seriously done, but she thinks I am ignoring her and holding onto some resentment. That is giving me a lot of credit at the moment. Honestly, again... just breathing... just putting one foot in front of the other. I told her I would call her and i didn't. again! Wth is wrong with me... :(
Then I finally got my prayer answered. I got to spend some time with him and it has been a month. Got exactly what i wanted, although of course not exactly what i wanted... as if right! I was so excited to see him! Walked right up and told him I was happy to see him and hugged him. Hugged him as much as i felt i could. Only he's not as into me anymore. I had to ask him and prod him to see if he was even happy to see me. Not a good sign at all. He didn't hold me like he used to. Then the next day didn't even say he had a good time. So unusual for him. Usually extremely thoughtful. Didn't ask to see me again. Didn't try to spend time with me. It was I that made all the effort. He didn't want to talk to me really. Didn't kiss me. Tragic to say the very least. And extremely painful! I want to say be careful what you wish for, but I guess at least i can say i know he won't hold me the way he used to. I won't be dying for that. I was dying for the caring way he used to hold me and this time you could just tell he doesn't feel the same way. Sadly, it is like the last time you have sex with your ex. Extremely awkward and not loving. I keep telling myself I'm not going to marry for love this time. Cause everyone I have loved has treated me like shit. I don't see marrying for money either. Been there done that. Doesn't buy happiness. Maybe I just need to marry an ugly guy that would worship the very ground i walk on. Treat me like a princess because that is what I really want.
Anywho, I guess he has decided and that is that. Not gonna say I'm not dying inside, but I was dying for what we used to have and I know I can't force that. Can't make someone love you...

Economic Suicide

2011-09-03T11:00:00.001-07:00

I am a complete effing mess right now! I hate it! I can't stop crying. My eyes are completely swollen. I seriously should be committed. Put me in a room with drugs and feed me. There is no way I will feed myself right now. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I want to end it, but I won't. That would be selfish and my kids need me, but trust me you, without them at times I would not be here. Sometimes this world is just too painful.
I can't even watch tv. I am in a semi coma state. I am merely living. I am putting one foot in front of the other only for my kids. Last time this happened to me I at least lived next to my bff and she had a key. She came over and would leave food and talk to me. Make me get out of bed. Please please please tell me this won't last six months again. I do realize that this too is temporary, but good god it is painful.
To make things worse I hate my job at the moment. It sucks to go there. I think about taking a leave of absence, but then I would have to explain why I want one. So I am looking for a new job, but leaving without another one would be "economic suicide" at this time. I have three kids to feed and I need to have benefits for them as well, but going to work is torture. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes at this moment.
I would start dating, but I am in no place to date right now. I'm not myself. I don't have anything to offer at this moment. I know I will and I do, but not right now. This is a very dark time for me right now. I have been here before. I will get through it.

Zombified

2011-09-01T18:47:00.001-07:00

So what i really really want is for him to say he is sorry. That he will never do it again. To be how he once was and give a shit. Try to make it better. Actually work on things like he once did. Talk them out. Write me an email telling me he realizes he was wrong. Send me a note and a candy bar. Yes I am that easy. Tell me he loves me and misses me. He doesn't want to be without me. Actually listen again. That he wants things to be the way they were too. That one month today is way too long to go. It is killing him inside too. That he does want to work on it and make some changes. That he didn't mean he was lazy and selfish. He doesn't know why he said it. That he actually realizes that I said I miss him and I don't want this.
But instead he will do what he does now. He will pop some pills and make his feelings go away. Now he is a complete zombie... ;(

Three Weeks

2011-08-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have that barenaked ladies song stuck in my head today. I think it is called one week, but in my head it says three weeks. Been three weeks since you broke up with me... Cocked your head to the side and said your angry... although that was never said. I am going to assume that this third time i was broken up with is because he was mad, not because he actually wants to be broken up with me. What does this say lol? Worse in the last three weeks he has never said he was sorry he broke up with me and just said things in anger, why you ask? Well I am going with because he wants to keep me as a back up while he explores other options. He told me he was talking to another girl. He also said he didn't want to be with anyone but me. Out both sides of his mouth right?!? Kinda makes it hard to trust words. Not sure why he didn't believe me when I said I don't want to be anyone's b plan, but for some reason it appears he didn't fully trust me.
Well I have given him three weeks to communicate some kind of remorse with me. This just hasn't happened. Sad, so very sad. I have communicated my feelings about the matter, but it just seems as though he doesn't get it. Or he doesn't want to get it cause he doesn't want to not have his cake and eat it too. Why else would someone not say sorry and talk to another girl? Or go on vacation with friends that have wives/gf included? Cause i guess he just doesn't know for sure, but doesn't want anyone else to have me right? lol Then when we did communicate he snapped at me. Guess he just can't handle communication. And I was pretty calm with the matter. But three weeks is just plain ridiculous. I really can't communicate with him anymore. I have no new words to say. I definitely don't want to get snapped at. He just talks to me all about himself and his every day life and I am desperately trying to be his friend, but he won't talk about the big issue. So I guess that means he doesn't care enough to resolve it. After a year and a half I am pretty positive he will try his hardest to NEVER bring the subject up again. Definitely not good problem solving/communication skills. Really not possible to have a good solid relationship without communication. I really don't want to do this back and forth drama deal anymore. I have no desire to be broken up with everytime I get into a fight. I refuse to be somebody's back up plan. And that is how I've felt for quite some time. And it's a shitty feeling! And a shitty ass work week, but what do ya do? Just keep swimming I guess. One foot in front of the other, cause I definitely deserve someone who knows and will treat me like a princess!

Communication and Trust

2011-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about divorce a lot lately. Not sure it's so much divorce as it is how people are so easy to give up anymore. It doesn't hurt that I have what seems like a lot of friends going through divorces lately, or break ups, or even contemplating divorces. I think people think that when they end their relationships they will be able to find greener pastures, but I don't think you do. I think you get different pastures with different problems. I am not going to imply that you should stay in abusive relationships, cause that's not what I think at all. I do not regret ending my marriage. It was filled with all kinds of abuse. Emotional, verbal, and even physical. I will find a greener pasture in this instance, but I think so many people believe they can just toss aside what they have and get better, but it is usually just filled with other, sometimes more, problems since most people don't deal with and fix the last issues. They are always quick to assume it is the other person and just toss out the relationship. When in all reality there are three sides.... his side, her side, and the truth. Isn't that sad? I have been talking about this lately with a lot of people. Just yesterday I asked my mom (since she is on her third marriage herself) do you think the grass is greener on the other side? She said no, not necessarily, there are always issues. The key is if the other person is willing to work on it or not! I don't know why, but i found this so profound at this moment. It is so true! And conveniently goes along with my theory and what i have been trying to get to. lol. Most people are not evil, mean, abusive people. I know I am not. I know that for the most part if you want something from me and tell me i am going to do my best to make the other person happy and try to help fulfill their needs. Yes, I do think i am a great catch! :) I believe we live in a society that is used to instant gratification. Computers, cell phones, we get what we want almost immediately. Well relationships just are not this way. They take work. They take time to work out the bugs and now I will get to my next point.
So I was talking to the guy who oh so broke my heart. He is a great guy. I see him now and again, but he is damaged. He was burned and I don't think he will ever be able to let someone in. I hold him at arms length for this reason (and a few other that I do not want to get into right now). He is funny. He is attractive. Very driven and successful. A great dad. Great communicator. He can get any girl he wants (and knows it). lol He has the most positive attitude from a man that I have ever seen! Well the other day we were talking with another friend of mine and she was talking about her impending divorce and how they could never communicate. He said well hello, what were you thinking? What do you think the most important thing is in a relationship? He looked at me and i said communication and trust. He just smiled. The other huge thing that goes along with this, which is sad that some do not realize, is you can't have trust without communication!! Duh!!
And it's true. We all have issues. We all have feelings. Some of our feelings aren't even rash. It is sad and true, but a mature person will understand and talk about it. If not it comes out in passive aggressive behavior, which is devastating to a relationship as well. Just yesterday I was sitting at lunch with a guy I so very much loved (that lacks the ability to communicate his feelings) and we were all talking and he said that us girls (now remember I was in this group) and that all our talking was white noise. It was completely rude. Left most people at the table uncomfortable (including me). One of the other girls got irritated with his comment, which i can guarantee was not the only person with feelings, but was the only to dare say anything, said you do not have to eat with us and it was true. He chose to say something in a passive aggressive way, which didn't solve anything. It only made other people uncomfortable and made everyone think he is just an ass. I personally think he struggling right now with feelings and not able to express them, so he acts passive aggressively.
Anywho, that was off track. lol. Back to my point. I do think most issues can be resolved through communication. We all have feelings. We all need to be heard. We all at some point get our feelings hurt and don't want to continue to have them hurt on a daily basis. Why continue to put our hand in the fire right? We all strive for change or ways to better or lives. Isn't that human nature? But how do we do that in relationships without communication? Well, simply put.... we don't! And if your oh so many attempts at communication fall to a deaf ear that is unwilling to change.. then what do you do?? [white noise] sssssssshhhhhhhh LOL

Sign or Test?

2011-08-11T15:09:00.001-07:00

So today I heard the words game over. I listened to earlier things said. Did what was asked of me and said needed, yet completely struggling and getting my air hose stepped on. Communicated my hurt and needs to a deaf ear. Right when I got angry and fed up I got whipped right in a completely different direction. Gave me whip lash its so strong! I'm scared! I don't want this, but its as if the universe is trying to tell me something... :(
He thinks I've been seeing other people, but haven't since been intimate... I've been doing what he said he needed, and he didn't even see it. :( said my feelings and needs til I was blue in the face and felt I could talk about it no more :( and now I'm being pulled by another and scared, but don't feel as if I have a choice :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Rich In Blessings

2011-08-10T08:09:00.001-07:00

It really drives me crazy that everyone thinks I'm so rich. I'm a single mom with three kids. Really how rich can I be? I work at a level entry position at my job. Barely making over minimum wage. Yes I get child support (praise the lord) but I have to house, clothe, feed and all the other extras...
Do people even notice how different my life is? I may not complain, but all...I repeat ALL of my children wear hand me downs. That should be the first visible sign, but whatevs. People can be so self involved.... Ugh! Apparently I'm the richest single mom ever! Rich in blessings that is...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

same old same old

2011-08-08T12:57:00.001-07:00

Who gets pissed that you invite cousins from his side to their child's bday party? Oh my ex. Who tells you to pick up your kid an hour early with a bad address and then when called to find out the real address hangs up on you? My ex again. Mind you I drove around 30 min trying to figure out where he was, only to find out the event didn't end for another hour :( and then my son was upset with me. He Hung up on me cause I didn't answer the phone earlier cause I was doing yard work. Oh don't let me forget to add that he is taking me to therapy cause he says I am abusing the kids. Because my don has a wart. That was frozen a couple months before. It has been five years!! When is he going to leave us alone? He doesn't want to be with his kids. Didn't see them for two weeks and only got them three hours this weekend. Just long enough to meet with the missionaries, then off to my mom. I just don't get it. Soooo tired of it :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

DOH

2011-07-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

I totally don't get men. One minute they can make you cry and totally know why and then text you like nothing ever happened!!! Oh yeah, let me tell you all about my day.. It's been a fantastic evening. How about you listen to how my life is going, but let's not acknowledge that about 6 hours I had you bawling and then bailed. No I'm so sorry I made you cry yada yada yada, just let me tell you about myself. With this particular person, it never used to be this way. He never would've let the day go by without trying to make it better. Maybe that is how men are. They just put on a huge act in the beginning and then just let it all go. I've got her now, I don't need to make anything better. Better yet, I'll just pretend like I'm not an ass and see if she will just forget that I previously made her cry! I would have to say it has even been a good six months since I've gotten any kind of note apologizing. Not that a note makes it better, but it doesn't really even seem like the person cares enough to make the extra effort. I miss the notes and cute surprises, but it is good to know now that it will just fade away. I miss the actually doing something about my feelings hurt though! That is also good to know as well. Obviously I don't have a hard time finding guys and they obviously want to treat me well. Treat me like a princess, but I do really wonder if it is all just a temporary act to entice me. It is very sad. I have been wooed and I very much like being treated like a princess. I think that is how a woman should be treated.
On the upnote, I had a very good night. Good time with friends in dover. Even got a lap dance. Not that I go that way, I just wanted to see how it went. Guys say it's not a big deal of course, but she rubbed boobies in my face and all over all my other areas. I think it is definitely a big deal and I wouldn't want my man having some other woman turn him on in that fashion. After all, isn't that what I am for?? And obviously I can find men that would love me to do that for them. Now time to find the worthy one...

Life Conundrum

2011-07-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it that things always happen at the wrong time it seems? You pray for them to happen, then they happen....at the wrong time! All I can say is i feel a life freakin conundrum coming on. Praise Jesus.. at 3 am...

health scare

2011-06-26T15:52:00.001-07:00

I've had a fever for what will be almost four weeks. It is totally freaking me out. I went to the doc and am waiting on the blood work results. It's agony. The worst part about it is how my doctor looked and talked to me. He assures me that this is not normal. To feel as though you've had the flu for one month. He talked to me about the possibility of lupus or auto immune disease. I've known him for twenty years. I don't like how he looked at me. It is stressing me out. I'm scared and wish the blood work would get back soon to hear how my white count looks :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Someone is Stepping on My Airhose

2011-06-16T10:51:00.001-07:00

To those of you that are reading this, you might want to sit down. What I am about to say is going to shock those of you that know me. Yes I am a human. Yes I have needs. My soul purpose in life is not to serve everyone else. Yes I love you all and want to help fill your utmost desires. I love to do it, but can ya just throw me a bone once in a while??
To top it off I'm not having a very good day. I haven't felt well in about two weeks. Had a low grade fever off and on with back pain. Sunday I couldn't even keep water down. So the doc is concerned about a urine infection or if my kidneys are functioning properly. I get it checked out on Wednesday and if the fever goes above 102 I'm to head straight to the ER.
I feel as though I try to be there for everyone else, but when it comes down to it, who is really there for me? My kids I guess. I wish they were here. I really really really want someone to snuggle with and a hug!! :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

My Brick Road

2011-06-14T15:25:00.001-07:00

I am so damn tired of the path my life is on right now! Soooo tired! Soooo tired if drama! I'm sick of waiting on other people. Tired of my job. Time to change course. I can't continue to do the same thing and think I'll get different results. Things just aren't working right now. Those of you that know me, know I can throw a wrench in it all. Now...what to do? What.....toooo.....doooo?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Inner Beauty of Kids

2011-06-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today I got a phone call from my cute daughter and she says... "mommy, i miss you. why do you have to work during the summer? you shouldn't have to work in the summer! it's just not right!" LOL so stinking cute! what would i do without them right now? yes, they can be annoying and make stupid choices at times, but when it all comes down to it, they love me like nobody else. i should say right now. one will be a teenager soon, so that might be sort lived, but even he got on the phone and told me he loved me very much and missed me! they are at my moms during the week. i cannot wait to see them tomorrow! i so so miss them.
and where do we lose this seemingly unalterable love? why can't marriages be like that? oh you are being an ass, but i still love ya. i understand that there should be consequences to bad choices, but wouldn't it be nice to have love like that forever? and no i don't think people should stay in relationships when there is abuse.
i have a really hard time understanding when people don't want kids. i understand there are people who shouldn't have kids, but i think there are a lot of people out there who have plenty of love for kids. isn't that all kids really want? or any human for that matter? to be loved! then there are people who don't want kids, but will have kids when it is a mistake, but that is different? then it's okay to have kids? or it's okay to have kids with someone who forces you to have kids, by tricking you into getting them pregnant?
i was reading some old emails the other day and realized i still want the same things i said i wanted a year ago. i want a man who will love my kids, be there for my kids, and treat me well to show my girls (and my son) how a woman should be treated! is that too much to ask? i'm not looking for a hand out. or a sugar daddy! my kids don't need everything under the sun. soon they will be teenagers and will always be gone anyway. :(
i was also thinking the other day. i have really good kids! they have their moments, but i have seen kids that are monsters. i can't wait for a specific person to date someone who has a kid who is a monster. and it will be hard to find someone without kids. especially in utah!
speaking of which, how many times does one person need to make the same mistake? need i mention the saying one time shame on you, two times shame on me? and apologies are great, but does it start to lose sincerity when said so many times? plus there is an apology, but not any mention of not indeed being embarrased or i love to always be with you or anything of that sort! or no mention of fixing it for that matter! then, i included him in everything. every family function. every event that involved men, but he didn't do that for me. and why is the biggest question.... it would appear because he wants to leave all options open....and the saddest part about that is I had my reservations, but I clearly didn't want to see anyone else, and didn't! Ryan was so lucky with that. I didn't even notice other guys. Soooo stupid. All these women that cheat and I'm so not like that. Their loss I guess...
i don't want to be with someone who is constantly looking for someone they think is better or the grass is greener on the other side. or doesn't realize what a great person i am. someone out there will love and appreciate everything about me. and he says he thinks about me constantly, but is messed up? what does that mean? i took it as a warning sign...
i really don't want to be treated bad, so really what can a girl do? that's right! nothing!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Booooo

2011-06-07T16:18:00.001-07:00

So I have decided that no answer is still indeed an an answer. Probably not said cause it is known its not going to leave the receiver very happy. Well being the receiver...I would personally rather just have the band aid ripped the hell off. Even though it will leave a huge hairless red ass bump!! Secondly, it says something when a person loves to spend time with you when alone. It's a good sign to be brought around family, but when omitted from friend outings?? What does that say?? Oh I so know what that says! I'm soooooo not stupid!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Sweet Fabulous Drama

2011-05-31T16:02:00.001-07:00

I totally need to blog about all the craziness of Vegas, but for right now I'm gonna take a second to vent. One year I went to a hair show in Vegas. We got off the plane and all the girls hubbies and boyfriends were there to pick them up. Letting them know how much they missed them and loved them. Super cute. Well where was Ryan? He was playing basketball cause that meant more to him than seeing me. I was crushed. Downtrodden if you will. I relived this memory this weekend. I know I could have a guy who would miss me so much he couldn't stand it, but do I? Nope sure don't. Instead I have drama. Sooooo sick of drama :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Time for numbing agents

2011-05-26T17:06:00.001-07:00

Getting ready for a girls trip to Vegas tomorrow. Gonna be super fun. I'm getting really tired of the emotional turmoil in my life right now. I think a girls vacation is just what the doctor ordered. Gonna make the best of it and enjoy myself. Put all my emotions aside. Enjoy a few cocktails. live the life I used to live a few years ago and relax! Super stoked. Might have to blog about my adventures :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Sign or Test?

2011-05-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

This has been the weirdest weekend. I've been sad, but keeping very busy, which is good. Lots of time with friends, which is awesome. My ex's sis took my kids last night. I love his family. I was so afraid I wouldn't have them in my life after the divorce, but two of his sisters are so good to me and I'm so grateful for that. :)
Anywho...I'm getting random text from people from my past (one begging for another chance) and its totally tripping me out!! Why now? I'm trying to just be patient and see where the chips land! Just trying to enjoy time with good friends, but these texts are coming at such a hard time to ignore and frankly blowing my mind a tad. :(
My heart is in one place, but ultimately I want to be with someone who treats me like I'm the best thing since pie and ice cream. What to do? What to do?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Pocket Dial

2011-05-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I got a text today from a guy I used to date that read.... I think I just pocket dialed you...my apologies young lady....maybe it was fate playing it's hand. I did miss his call. Super cute! Interesting timing. Not sure that I am interested in doing anything about it at this exact moment, but it sure came at a good time. Especially when I am feeling that sick feeling in my stomach and feeling quite rejected. Pretty sure I've lost weight. Not sure why I can't eat when I'm hurt, but guess I'll look at the bright side.
All the people at lunch offered me their lunch or portions of their lunch cause all I could eat is a yogurt. All surprised that I even bought lunch. lol. I couldn't get up to make lunch cause I was out WAY too late! Especially, on a school night. ;) I did have a really good night though. Having a few drinks with friends. It was much needed. Gonna thank my lucky stars that I don't have to deal with all the issues I have going on at work.....until Monday. Blek.

A Spring Miracle

2011-05-13T11:22:00.001-07:00

So I have been laid up for a few weeks from surgery. With all the rain my lawn has gotten crazy long. I went to go mow it last week and got a no go from my doc cause I busted a stitch. :( and there was no way I wanted to risk going under the knife again. Well today I pulled into my drive to witness a spring miracle. A perfectly manicured lawn!!! I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life that want to help me!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Key

2011-05-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

I would just like to put something right out into the universe right now. I would really really truly appreciate it if people would come right out and tell me what it is they feel/want/need from me!! I want the universe/everyone to know that I cannot read minds, nor decipher the code in which they speak. I am not equiped with a key that will decipher and let me know what exactly it is everyone wants/needs from me. If people could just blatently inform me of their wishes and desires, I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you. That is all.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

What is this world coming to?

2011-05-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today was not a good day. Not a good day at all. Why don't all people realize that relationships are work? And no not all things come naturally? And that yes, both parties would have to work on something. Yes, nobody is perfect and each person would have something to work on. Maybe this is why divorce is so prevalent right now. People are so quick to call it quits thinking the grass will be greener on the other side. I can admit that sometimes it is, but chances are it is not. Everyone has their issues. I think the key is in whether the other person is willing to work on their issues. Most people probably aren't. They'd rather just seek greener pastures. Maybe in the olden days people just dealt with what the cards they were dealt and no matter what made it work. Now it's just turned into do this for me or I'm through I guess. Or the even more unfortunate.....I don't like "x" and even though you are willing to work on it....it's just not good enough!
What is this world coming to? UGH!!

Bueller, bueller....

2011-05-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

I was once married to a very selfish man. Everything was about him and what he wanted. Maybe this is to be expected of the youngest child. I gave in to most fights and let him have whatever he wanted. I wanted him to have everything he wanted. I loved him and wanted to see him get what he wanted and desired. After all....isn't that what love is? Sounds stupid, but for the most part I didn't really mind. I usually gave in and picked my battles. I understand it can't possibly always be about me. I have realized this is how I am. I like to see the ones I love happy and am willing to put my needs aside. With my friends I'm the chill one. The truth is I don't usually care enough to pitch a fit. I try to find the silver lining in most situations. Do I set myself up to be taken advantage of? I definitely don't want that again. I want to be the selfless person I am and enjoy seeing my loved ones get what they want, but once in a while I really do have needs believe it or not. Is this too much to ask? :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

At Least I Can Feel

2011-04-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Went out to lunch with family. Gotta love that. Pedicure...really gotta LOVE that! But why is it that at the end of the day it still sucks to think about all the stupid issues of the heart? Why do these things just sit on your chest like a brick and you can't seem to fully enjoy everything? You have to keep pondering and think about all the stupid things that happen. And at the end of the day when you go to relax you think about it. And it sucks!! I would really like to find a way to just let the heartbreak and things men do just slide off me like it is their loss. That would be fantastic, but it doesn't. A wise man I love and miss would always say...."At least you can feel." True statement. I do realize he was just using his cute sarcastic attitude to make a slight dig and hopefully shake me out of it, but it usually didn't. lol
I've been thinking today and will admit that I am not perfect, but I will say I am sorry when I am wrong and try my best not to do it again. I think this is a good quality. Sometimes I get upset, but when I calm down I can usually see things very rationally and people can talk to me about it. I try to treat people with respect and like I would like to be treated. I think this is a good thing as well.
But when you say you are sorry to someone, what more can really be said? What more is to be said? Sure the person could be angry, but if you are sorry you are sorry. You can only say sorry so many times before the person is just trying to turn it around on you or just doesn't really want an apology right? Could the person just want to beat it into the ground? Or not want to make it better? Or not want to give you the opportunity to make it better? Interesting question I am pondering today...

The Knife and the Heart

2011-04-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

What kind of person says they will pick you up dinner the night you have surgery and then says what you want for dinner sounds gross. Picks up the exact thing you say you don't want to eat and then the very next day gets the exact thing you wanted the night before for them to eat for lunch?!?!?!?
The worst is they acted completely put out when talking to me about picking up food. I was already totally reliant on them to pick up dinner cause I was laid up in bed. It made me feel terrible. I let them pick up whatever they wanted just because I needed to have my kids fed, but immediately upon hanging up the phone I cried. I felt so hurt. I already felt like s*** because I just got out of surgery. Like I couldn't just have one day to be treated lovingly and cared for. Like I was totally putting them out to get me dinner. Isn't this what you do for someone to help them out? To show them you love them and want to be there for them in their time of need? So when they brought dinner I let it go. But then the next day when I was told they were having that for lunch and worse that it was good... all I could think is wow. You couldn't have tested it out when I really wanted it? Is it all about you? Did you realize I wasn't asking for you to test it out for me? The way they acted about this situation made me feel like I don't want to ask for anything else. If you can't just be selfless for one night.. a night I had surgery mind you... I am so disappointed in this person and extremely hurt. I don't feel like they have put themself in my shoes at all. But even worse this person didn't understand why I was upset. I asked. Totally didn't get it! :( Said they would've picked me up what I wanted, but why would I ask? They were totally irritated and put out. I wasn't going to ask for anything. Why couldn't they merely even say wow I am so sorry I made you feel that way. I didn't intend to. I understand how bad I made you feel and don't ever want to make you feel that way again...
I guess cause I really don't mean enough! ;(

Blllaaaaahhhhh

2011-04-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in a relationship when a person could say, "I'm sorry I have been making you feel like I don't care about you. I really truly do care about you. I am going to do "x" to make it better. Or what can I do to make it better?" Or the person could say, "I really care about you. I feel bad that you have wasted your time (mind you these words did not leave my mouth)."

Yes ladies and gentlemen....The latter was chosen. All I could think is why even tell me these things. Now there is nothing left to be said. Do you just want to sit in my car and watch me cry? Please get out.

The end....

Love is Enough.....IF

2011-04-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

so i am having a very bad day today. a day that asks if love is enough. and yes love is enough....if...."if" i conveniently put in there....if there is trust and healthy communication. i sure hope to god this is not an impossible thing to have. i will admit at times i am emotional and don't communicate as effectively as possible, but the majority of the time i do have the ability to calm down and have a rational conversation. and even admit when i am wrong. and i think most people would agree to that statement. or i guess all doesn't include my ex, cause he thinks i am the worst person to every walk the face of this earth, but then again misery loves company. coming from a man who publicly humiliates their child by making her wear a pull up in public and buys everyone a slurpee to drink in front of her to "teach her a lesson" not to pee the bed. or not let his kids talk to there mom EVER on a weekend he has them. or tell the mom they are going out of town. oh i could go on, but i will stop. my beef is not with him.....today!
so the other thing everyone should know about me is i am unable to lie! you can tell on my face i cannot lie. i do not feel good just thinking about telling a lie. there are people who can attest to this. so i am honest in my dealings. and when i talk to people, but there comes a time when you can tell when someone is starting to lie to you. i don't think it starts with a lie. i think it starts with a withholding here and there. small changes when the person isn't talking to you like they used to. just stupid little things left unsaid and unexplained. and that's just it. they are soooo stupid! but they lead the other party to wonder why they are being left unsaid or why there is such a sudden change in behavior. well this is where i am today. watching the change in behavior. and i wish i could say i haven't seen it before. i have seen it a few times before. and i think it is sad that the other party usually doesn't realize it, but i really don't think it is a good place to be. and the sad thing is usually all these unfortunate events can be explained and things can go back to normal, but there are the people who cannot find the words to explain, which only leads to more suspicion. so here i am again, but just like last time i was here, i'm not going to sit by and just let it go. i will just let it run it's course like i did last time.

And there was light

2011-01-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty good day. I have been freaking out for weeks because my ex has decided to try and "modify" his child support. If anyone is looking for a way to lose a hundred grand a year in about two years, he is the man to go to. I'm sure he is sooo proud of his milestones. I'm sure he could teach you a course in how to screw over your ex (and kids of course). This course would be mighty pricey though. Please do not forget that you will have to pay in cash so that there is no way to trace any sort of income on his part. He wouldn't want to send any in the way of his kids. His main goal I'm sure is no traceable income. He is such a catch. His wife probably wishes she didn't go through with the marriage, after all she called it off the evening before... Speaking of the coug, apparently she is the brilliant mastermind behind the sleeping on the floor training program. This comes from the mouth of my child today when i told her maybe it would be beneficial to ask to come home in front of her. She told me it was her plan. I am curious if she has ever been into the dog training biz! Or maybe they somehow got their parenting manual confused with a dog training manual. Next maybe they will lay puppy pads down, smack her on the end of the nose with a newspaper, rub her nose in the pee?? Or maybe they have their parenting manual confused with the book a child called it??
Woah! I went a little rogue there didn't I?? :) Anywho, so he is trying to modify his support and I have been quite concerned cause that will mean I will have to get another job. Well the silver lining, icing on the cake, or whatever colorful analogy you wanna use is....he will have to go back to court to get a modify if it is within three years of divorce. Not only that, but he only has a week left to get his paperwork in. To top it off, it will take six to nine months to happen. So I have been holding off on starting school because I didn't know if I would have time to do it all. So that news totally made my day!! Off to school I go! :)

Pardon Me...

2011-01-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

So now that the holidays are over, I am going to start blogging again. So for those of you that enjoy listening to me bitch and moan you are in for a real treat cause my year has already started off fantastically! My ex is still a totally asshat and in an attempt to "teach" my child not to pee the bed he is making her sleep on the bathroom tile floor. She no longer wants to go to her dad's house. After thorough research, I have found in the state of Utah, this is not abuse. According to the state dcfs, if there is a pillow and a blanket this is not a form abuse. Even though she cannot sleep and cries herself to sleep. She has told everyone that she feels like he doesn't love her. Does he care? Guess not! I beg him to allow her to come home for the night, but he won't let her. His stupid wife doesn't even stand up for her. Being a mom, I would think that her motherly instinct would kick in. Apparently not!! :( Now he is trying to modify his support so he doesn't have to pay as much. What does this mean you ask? It means that I will need to pick up the pieces by getting another job. Which wouldn't be so bad if he took the kids more than 5 days a month.
To top it off, the guy I was seeing isn't sure he is okay with the whole kid thing! Are you effing kidding me?? Have you noticed three kids roaming around here the last six months?? ARGH!! You'll have to excuse me while I go and shove my wrists in the paper shredder...

Ready, Set, Action....

2010-09-15T17:37:00.001-07:00

If there is anything I have learned after being married for 12 years to one of the most miserable men in the planet, is that words can only take a person so far. There comes a time and place where the rubber hits the road. Well the rubber hit the road this weekend for me. I met someone who I truly care about and is an amazing man. Unfortunately, this is rare for me. I find most men uninteresting. He is more amazing that I am sure he knows. Treats me like a princess, but for some reason he just can't seem to clean up his house. I have heard reasons why he hasn't cleaned up his mess, but they all come out as excuses. Some of these excuses are pointed directly at me. This only irritates me because I have shown him nothing less than I am a person who can take care of myself. He acts as though he is protecting me, but doesn't seem to realize that I am a big girl. I already have a plan of action of what I would do if said problem showed it's ugly head on my doorstop. I'm not stupid. I've dealt with the most manipulative, selfish, sociopath one can imagine. I am very versed in this area. Have proven myself versed in this area. ARGH! This so irritates me. I feel as though he is making all these excuses to let me down easy, but making excuses will not let me down easy. Just out with the TRUTH already! Why is this so hard for people?? Plus, learning how to deal with problems together with minimal drama and learning to laugh with your partner about it is an art. Is it not?
Ooopsy....I think I got off on a tangent there! LOL. So this thing (whatever it is) between the two of us has been going on for months. And going well in my opinion. Met my family, met my friends, met my kids, which is HUGE for me. Well I've only met one person in his family, which I am assuming is because he approves, and one friend. This has been driving me crazy for some time now, but I have been letting it go and biding my time. If you care about someone, you want them to meet the other people you care about right? Well this weekend things came to a head when he acted (in my opinion) like he was afraid to be seen with me. By the time we got home from the event I was sooo upset and hurt. Told him I in no way wanted to be some dirty little secret to him and to basically take his things and leave. Since then he has apologized and told me how much he cares about me, but when he tells me why he did what he did, it feels like excuses to me. I truly believe if you want something bad enough you find a way to get it. Most people do right? I do believe he is making a huge mistake here. I think he made a huge mistake the other day. I'm not even sure if he realizes what his actions said to me, or if his actions would have been different, would have said to me, or worse yet, to the other people that could potentially take me away from him! I deserve to be with someone who thinks I am all that and a bag of chips enough to be proud to be with me. To make matters worse, people are starting to come out of the woodwork. Crazy arse timing? Is it the one door closes effect?? Crazy to sit back and see how life plays out, but still he walked me to the end of the lane to decide which path I want to take next.....

"Bud"

2010-09-03T22:54:00.000-07:00

So my son started lacrosse this week. Three day a week practices for two hours. The poor kid is frightened to play the game because he says it is too aggressive. I was taking him to his dad's house today, so he could get a ride to practice. On the way he starts to tell me how he doesn't want to play, but he is too afraid to tell his dad. I tell him that he has to tell his dad or his dad will not know. I tell him that it is probably a good idea to try the sport out this time and if he doesn't like it, then he doesn't have to play again. He doesn't want to tell his dad because his dad will get mad at him. I explain to him that his dad will probably get mad at him regardless. Then tell him that he just needs to be honest and tell his dad how he feels. Unfortunately, the venting does not end there from any of my kids. It is already getting to the point that they do not want to even go. They tell me that he forces them to hug his wife and for some reason it makes them uncomfortable. My son starts to get tears in his eyes as he tells me that he does not want to go to his dad's for Christmas. I ask why, and he tells me that his two step brothers got ipod touches and they got church clothes. Then the girls start to chime in and get tears also. How is this not supposed to pull on a mother's heart strings?? Then my son says to me mom, do you know what almost bothers me the most? I am really trying to hold it together at this point and not say anything negative, being the protective mother i am. I say no what. He said.....Now dad calls my step brother "bud". He doesn't even call me "bud" anymore. Then he started to cry. I said what does he call you? He said he calls me by my name. I didn't even know what to say. I feel so inadequate. I know how he feels. His dad knows how to make people feel like the littlest people alive. Then to see him cry really made me sad, angry, upset. All the feelings I used to feel. As we pulled around the corner to his house, he just started to cry more. It tore me up.
I used to think that by giving my ex whatever he wanted and by possibly staying with him, I could protect my kids from the pain I knew he could inflict on people. More than people, his family. That if he needed to hurt someone, then at least it would be me, and not them, but I can see as time goes on, that he is going to hurt them too. I am sooo disappointed in the father he has become. My son cried and said that his dad cared more about his stepson than him. Totally broke my heart. He constantly tries to hurt me, which i can deal with, but still not sure how to protect my poor little innocent kids hearts.....
Oh and at the end of practice as he came home, he said to me, mom, will you please tell dad i don't want to play. He told his dad and step brother that he liked it, just so his dad wouldn't be mad. I told his dad he did not want to play, but he still had to "talk" to my son about it. I was proud of him in the end for telling his dad how he felt, but you could totally tell he was scared, and disappointed in his dad's reaction.

BFF.....Bleh

2010-08-03T18:34:00.001-07:00

I am having one of those days where people are just getting on my nerves. Maybe it is the pain killers I am on, I'm just not sure. I find myself a little less patient with people. So today I am going to vent via blog. :) I had surgery one week ago and am still in pain. Not only am I in pain, but I am going completely stir crazy. I hate watching movies and tv, especially more than one movie or more than one tv show. I try my best not to be at home and I am stuck here for two weeks. So I start reading an erotic book that only makes me want one thing......which I cannot have! Stupid book! LOL. Really like the book. Never read one of it's kind before, but it is a complete tease!! What was I thinking..... I still want to read it though. Guess I wanna see the girl version of blue I guess. haha.
Then to top it off my ex bff calls today just to tell me she got my phone call (over one week ago) and that she wasn't mad, she was just calling to say hi, but didn't feel up to talking. Apparently, she is mad at me that I would not come to her house, which I could not go to because I could not take work off. I was taking over for the girl above me while she went out of town. There was no way for me to get the time off. Then I met someone halfway in between Boise and Salt Lake and she is mad because I could've came there. Well 4 hours and 8 hours are completely different and I could not take time off of work. Plus the person I met was coming to Salt Lake to help me take care of my kids while I worked. What a crappy friend am I!! Single mother friend I might add! Lately, no matter what I do I cannot make her happy, so I have just given up. She is sooo frustrating. What if I just didn't want to go? That isn't even the case, but still. If I didn't want to go to her house she is going to not be my friend anymore? This is completely selfish on her part. I have to work. I have three kids to take care of....by MYSELF! She is so upset that I did not come to her house ONE year that she won't even call me on my birthday? Calls a week and a half later to say she got my message? I had to call her. Is this how friendship is supposed to be? I am no longer in high school. I am a big girl and can make decisions on my own without mommy being mad at me cause I didn't do what she wanted. A fifteen year friendship down the tubes because I didn't go to her house one year. It's just plain pathetic, but I have learned that I cannot do anything about other people's choices and actions, so I will let it go. I won't say I'm not irritated by it. I guess this is why I blog. I could go on to vent about the current man in my life, but I think I will save that for tomorrow..... LOL

Friends and Saki

2010-06-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

So i got the cutest email today from someone near and dear to my heart today. he has no idea how much i needed to know someone was thinking about me today. it meant a lot for some reason. i've been thinking about him lately also. anywho, he asked why i haven't updated my blog lately. i think he is going to regret asking cause i had a really bad couple of days. so my ex got remarried last month, which i could normally give a crap less about, but his wife posted pics today. it was already a bad day, but it really tore me apart to see the pics of his happy family and my kids included. not to mention they are trying to ask them to call her mom. it made me feel like my kids were moving on without me. i have no idea why. i know they still love me, but can they offer them more? this picture perfect family? i don't want to be with him. i don't even like him. she called the wedding off the night before. i'm sure things can't be that perfect, but to see my kids (they looked so cute) standing there all dressed up with huge smiles on their faces really bothered me. it makes no sense to me, but i am still bugged and totally trying not to cry while typing this. :(
to top matters off i have been rejected when i was in the most vulnerable position whatsoever. i try hard not to let men into my heart, as to avoid getting hurt, and i still did. i can honestly say i have NEVER been rejected in this situation. yes i can use the word never here! might be part of the reason i am so reserved. not only did it make me feel rejected, but it made me feel very unattractive. totally knocked my self-esteem down a few pegs. those of you who know me, know it has been up there. :) so where was i? oh that's right! rejected and ugly! what a great combination! can this get any better? oh you bet your sweet arse it can! wait for it.....wait for it.....then he goes on to try and explain. the excuses are getting unbearable at this point, but the topper.....my head is just not there. seriously? seriously? could you have told me this about a month ago?? how can i even recover from that statement? the best part is i get to see him all the time. got to see him today. know what i was thinking.....please someone just effing shoot me in the face!
i know i will recover and i will pull myself up. i will build my self esteem back up, but for today i am extremely grateful for some very good friends and lots of saki!!!! :)

Pompus....

2010-05-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today, which is Mother's Day, I have found myself doing some serious processing. The events of the last couple days have my head spinning. I'm not going to delve into what has my head spinning from yesterday. So this morning I am expecting to see my kids at 9 am and at 8:30 am my door opens (I guess I didn't lock it) and in come my girls. Only I wasn't alone. I thought I had another half hour. What does my pompus ex do? He comes in and I can hear him. He's not even supposed to come up to my door. So I get up and ask wtf he is thinking and I said hey you weren't supposed to be here for another half hour. Couldn't you have text me and let me know. I know he came in because he saw the car. He said get them out at six like I do. Get who out at six am?? That had my truly rolling. He has been with the same girl for over a year and then are getting married in a couple weeks. He is kicking a bunch of girls out of his house! Idiot! LOL He left me an invitation on my counter. That's weird. Is he really inviting me or is he just letting me know? Strange. I'm not going to go. Anyway, I think he is completely inconsiderate. Then he says to me, well I didn't know you were in a relationship. I said I'm not. Then he said that's great. Whatever. So irritating that he thinks he can just come in my house and drop the kids whenever he feels fit. Argh he irritates me.
Luckily, my girls seemed unphased by having someone in my bed. They just went on like they didn't care. It was awesome. Not that they have ever busted me with someone in my bed and I'm becoming the crazy single mom and my kids have a bunch of "uncles"! Lol. Maybe my ex was just trying to bust me doing something. So sad.
So this morning I spent some time at my sisters. My brother in-law made an excellent breakfast and me, my sis, and mom hung out and chatted. It was really nice. Then I came home and did yard work for six hours. I have some serious processing going on because of the events of the last couple days. The yard work really helps. Or any housework for that matter. Looks like I will be kicking butt and taking names around here for the next little bit to try and clear my head. At least accomplishing some things on the list will help take that off of my plate.

Relationship??

2010-05-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

So i haven't been getting much sleep since the crank call a while back. Every little noise wakes me up. I am a light sleeper anyway, now add a little bit of fear and i am toast. Last night was no exception, except i had to add to that the devil's spawn (my stupid cat) and it made for a pretty bad nights sleep. To make matters worse I got a text at 6 am. This may not seem early to most of you, but this is definitely early for me! I leave my phone by me now because I am scared. It was this boy that I had thought for sure I had gotten rid of three weeks ago. He wished me a good morning and asked how i was...yada yada yada. I told him i was good and exchanged pleasantries. Then he tells me that he owes me a thank you. This statement finally peaks my interest. Hard to do. So I finally say, oh yeah, why is that? Apparently me telling him that i don't waste my time with boys who don't have their shit together really got him thinking. Apparently for three weeks he has been getting his stuff together. Uh-huh. So then he says hypothetically.....if i had my stuff together would you consider a relationship with me? Oh yes! That is right....Would I consider a RELATIONSHIP with him? What a scary thing to say to me! I am easily spooked! So i said to him, first of all i would go on a date with you, but there are many variables i consider before getting into a relationship with anyone. Second of all i'm seeing someone else right now that i am considering getting into a relationship with. Should i be flattered that he thought about this for three weeks? I swear the harder I push away the harder they come back! WTF is up with men. I will never understand.

2010-04-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

As if you couldn't guess, you are going to get a random musing from me about nothing other than men! Apparently, I don't have a problem meeting men, just not the right one yet I guess. I'm really not in any kind of rush. I just pushed away two guys that just didn't have any sign of having their crap together. That's all I need is someone looking for someone to take care of them. Been there done that! lol. Tried to be just friends with a couple. Why does that not ever work out? Total craziness. Seems best not to even speak with them in that instance. Then there is one that is stimulating my mind, but not enough. He is so cute. Everytime I see him you can tell that he is so excited to see me. He is very touchy feely and can't wait to hug me. I like it. I like that he wants to touch me that bad. The problem is that I don't hear from him very often. I told myself that I wanted to be with someone who gave me more attention. That wanted to be with me. Who wanted me as their best friend. I am getting that he is very busy at work. Seems all to familiar. He definitely treats me like a princess, which i am looking for and i have been very patient with him. Although, my patience is running thin and I am seriously debating blowing him off. Cute guy, good to me, says extremely nice things, we have a lot of fun together when we are together, just not responsive enough, or up in my grill so to speak. lol He made a comment stating i would forget about him if he didn't contact me and i told him that i wasn't going to text him back if he didn't respond. I don't expect him to respond to every silly thing, but more responsive than he is. He just said he gets busy at work. I'm not needy. I can take care of myself. I just want a little more. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me as much as possible. Is that really too much to ask? Then there is another guy who I liked. Til i heard a rumor that he cheated on his wife. I asked him flat out if he was getting a divorce because he cheated on his wife. He said he did, which I respect his honesty and he even said there was nothing he could say to make it acceptable and that he was very sorry, but i would definitely have that in the back of my mind. I cannot relate. What a painful thing to do or go through. Then again I better not get started on my sport screwing theory. Sometimes I wish I could, but I definitely cannot. Makes me way to emotionally involved. I find it hard to keep them on the line too long to see where it goes because I am afraid if I am with someone just to fill the space or void of not having anyone, then I will miss out on someone great. Is that silly?

He's Turning Blue!!

2010-04-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

i am going to bed thinking nothing all that eventful happened this weekend, but of course i was wrong! you all know me, something "eventful" always happens! lol....so friday night i went out to dinner with a friend. i have known him for a while, but totally wrote him off a long time ago. there is no heat and i'm just not interested. so he has been asking me to go out to sushi with him and a local martini bar. i finally told him that i didn't want to go out because i wasn't looking for that kind of relationship with him. well he ended up saying he didn't want that either. he was in no place to be in a relationship and he thought we had a lot in common and just wanted to go out as friends. okay fine. we go out friday and omg...best damn meal i have had in a long time! i love sushi, but totally let him have the rein of ordering. not realizing he was asking some prodding questions before hand and ordered the most amazing meal!! soo damn good. not only that, but he was amazing company. i had a great time with him. weird! :)
today i had a great easter. went up to my mom's for dinner and it was fabulous. then sat around chatting with the fam. my family is so awesome. we were chatting about relationships and they were telling me about how they met their significant others and that they didn't like them at first.....go figure! lol....to top it off my funny brother in-law was putting wrappers and toilet paper in the kids eggs. they did not find it amuzing. i did! he is sooo damn funny! lol my sister is lucky to have such a great husband.
so the last few weekends, in an attempt to change things up for me, i have been going out of my way to talk to guys. i have decided that i hate internet dating and that i do much better meeting men and getting to know them before chatting online. i find the littlest things turn me off. so weekend before last i met this guy at a concert. we chat once in a while, have met up a couple of times, but he just doesn't give me the attention i want. so last weekend i met a couple other guys. both got my phone numbers. so tonight one called and left a voicemail stating that he was locked out and wanting a place to crash. he said on the couch! WTF!! seriously!! hope he's not holding his breath waiting for a return call!! LOL....how do these strange things happen to me??

Later Babe

2010-03-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

so i have been dating lately. i went out on this date probably three weeks ago and like i said i don't find many guys interesting. this guy was no exception, except i was trying to date different guys to try and break up the d-bags i seem to be attracted to. i figure i will go out with him again and see if there is anything. i am a strong believer in chemistry. if i still felt about as close to him as what i would imagine is a brother then i would call it off. but before we can get to the second date he keeps calling and texting, but apparently i don't get to him fast enough. so then he calls leaving a message saying i feel like you are mad at me. now it already takes a while for me to warm up to a guy, but this really turned me off. came across as completely needy to me. about as bad as the guy who kept asking where my boyfriend was. came to find out that he was cheated on! big shocker! lol. so i decide i'm not going to drag this on any further and tell him that i was very sorry, but there was another guy i was seeing and it turned serious and that i was very sorry. his response sshhh....listen very closely and you can hear my heart breaking. then says jk we had fun i wish you the best of luck. you can text me anytime you want. later babe. wtf......weirdo!!!!!

DAMN

2010-02-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

how is it that i find myself in these stupid life effing conundrums! seriously! do i only like unavailable men? is it some sick cosmic joke that my love life won't just fall into place? that i find most men uninteresting and the ones i do aren't in the right place in their lives?? seriously! i am on two dating sites and all the dates i go on bore the hell out of me. they don't get me. i find them unintelligent. i usually don't even want to go. i am trying to go out with different men, so as to try and mix it up. the sad reality is i honestly find most men uninteresting. and no don't worry fam and friends, i am not EVER going to switch teams. sooo damn frustrating!!

i told him how i feel. til 5 am! i don't do this easily. i don't like to put all my cards out there. i don't like to tell men how i feel. mostly because ryan used my heartfelt information to harm me. you can't blame me. it is good practice for me to tell people my feelings in a safe, non-harmful, adult way. it is how i feel. it brings me out of the game and into adult dating and adult conversation. but, still i told him! i told him and he feels the same way! now i have to let him go. run away from the hot, sexy, guy who i cannot have. he is the second guy i have felt something for in the last three years! strong chemistry doesn't come easily for me!! does it have to be this hard?? i am definitely learning how to let go! it can be sooo damn hard! damn damn damn damn. guess i will go hit the gym. i will at least work hard. damn damn damn

Run Forrest Run

2010-02-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

i desperately need to find a way to start running again. it really helps when i am angry. and if i have to deal with ryan i am angry! lol. i have realized that i feel the feelings my kids do when it comes to ryan. i don't know if it is because i am a product of divorced parents or what the hell it is. but i really do get upset when ryan lets my kids down.
saturday was my son's last bball game. he has attended one game. the one game he attended he was a total ass. he asked me if the coach was any good. i said i don't know go to practice and find out. then he totally got pissed at my son because he wasn't sitting by his team. he came over to grab his water. then lastly he looked over to me and asked if i had taught our son to dribble. i didn't even respond. in my head i was thinking....ummm....earth to dumb ass. have you thought about picking up a fucking ball and practicing with your son? no go ahead and blame me for his dribbling. i didn't even look at him. he kept trying to communicate with me, but at this point he had become pond scum in my eyes.
so back to saturday. do you think he showed up? hell no he didn't show up. my son called him and told him. he told my son he would try to make it. granted, i'm not so sure having him there is a very good idea anyway. nobody needs to hear the shit he says. plus to add salt to the wound he told my son that the reason he didn't get the ball in the game is because "he sucked"! seriously?!? i spent an hour with my therapist over this matter!!! does he have any kind of sensitivity at all? who actually tells their son he sucks?? i actually confronted ryan on this matter to make sure this is what was actually said. he confirmed, saying he wouldn't sugar coat anything. wtf! i totally wanted to kick him in the balls right then and there!! omg! really? i did kick him in the balls in my head.....then pushed him on the ground and ran over him with my car a few times!!!! in my head of course! still felt good! lol
so walking out off of the court on saturday my son says....mom dad didn't show up. it hurt me right then and there. i felt the pain right in my heart. even though he is a total d-bag i know my kids still love him. what am i supposed to say? i can't make up for it! i can't do anything about it! i can't take the pain away! i hate hate hate him for what he is doing to my kids!! i can't be both parents. i am trying so hard. i just said to him, i know. i'm sorry. me and your sisters came. even ally and your aunt and uncle (which i greatly appreciated, so cute cheering him on). i invited everyone i could. even ryan's fiance and son showed. he just said i know mom. the shitty thing is i know he tells my son it is my fault he doesn't go. he doesn't go cause i didn't sign my son up with his fiance's son. what a total effing wanker! he was supposed to sign my son up and never did, so i just signed him up. he just wants to hurt me. i know this. what he doesn't understand is that he is hurting his kids.
my kids have asked ryan for the last three holidays to take them to get me something for the holiday. he always has some excuse. again....not hurting me. i am used to not getting anything. he is hurting the kids. today he made an excuse to stop by and get something. i got it all ready....handed it to him...shut the door right after. i can't even look at him. i really to want to punch him. i will find a man that is a better man to my kids than ryan ever was!!
so for this i need to run! just bought my son a new bike so i can run alongside him! run forrest run!! lol

Out of the Mouth of a 10 Year-Old

2010-02-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

i am finally starting to feel myself lately. i have totally cleaned my house, did my laundry, did valentines with the kids, and then we went out to dinner! what a great day. i am focusing on my kids....have an awesome idea for valentines. had a couple run-ins with ryan. he is stepping on my air hose! lol
my kids are so cute. they act so excited to have this weekend alone with me. needless to say we have a surprise visitor! yeah i am so excited. i have been keeping it a secret. today i would not talk to ryan so he told my son that if i didn't get on the phone he was going to tell him the secret! wtf....is he in junior high! love love when he confirms my decisions. lol. still pissed me off. after telling my son this i got on the phone cause i didn't want him to ruin the surprise. after i got of the phone my son said to me.......mom dad is a good example to us. i said what?!? then he said...whatever he does, we should do the opposite! lol very insightful for a 10 year-old.

Sappy February Love Note

2010-02-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

i just realized how depressing my last post was. just wanted to let you all know that all is well. i am ignoring the stupid people who create drama in my life. realized i don't have room in my life for people like this. hoping one day that they will grow up, but not holding my breath! lol i pulled myself back together again. i have learned that it is best to not even respond to their drama and the people who know me best can see right through it. i am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends. even though somebody has been stirring some major shit about me, in what i can only assume is to justify their actions or make themselves feel better, my family and friends have ignored their every attempt to bring them into it. makes me feel great. i was at first worried that they would listen and believe, but i have greatly misjudged them all. and more importantly misjudged myself through it all. apparently, over all these years i have proved myself not to be a shit talker or shit stirrer, so everything said has rolled off everyone's backs! luckily, everyone that was contacted by this person via email or in person, has ignored all allegations even going as far as to not even respond. i have come to realize that by this person going out of their way to stir things around has destroyed their credibility and not mine. i am so grateful that i chose not to acknowledge these allegations and even try to get the last word. my hope is that i will become the bigger person in the end. most of all i have learned that there are few great friends and family. i will keep them close to me and love them instead of the ones who go out of their way to hurt me. i am truly grateful for you all. i couldn't ask for better people to surround me in my life! thank you for listening to me when i was down. i love you all more than you can all imagine! thanks again!!

Sunshine and rainbows! What a crock!

2010-01-30T22:06:00.001-08:00

I've been trying so hard not to make this post, but for some reason it just seems inevitable. It seems as though I need to put it out there, in an effort to take some effort to get some of it off of me. This feeling, this feeling...I want it to go away so bad. Some people say that when they get stressed they eat. I think this is minor stress. I think major stress or depression is when you can't eat. The very thought of food makes you want to puke. The smell of food makes you want to puke. You can't move, you can't sleep, you can't read, you can't watch tv. How is it that some feelings are so intense that you can't even function? You see those commercials on tv and you think, yeah right. Get up, do something about it, but these people are paralyzed. They can't get up and do anything about it. The feelings are so intense that they are paralyzing. How can this be? How can feelings be paralyzing?

Sunshine and rainbows....what a crock. Sometimes the sun doesn't come out tomorrow and we are left in the dark for days. Sometimes we realize there really is nobody. That we are all alone. Even when there are people, we feel alone. Why?

How can people do such horrible things to people? Even worse, justify their actions to make themselves feel better? Turn it all around to be about the other person, so that they don't have to look in the mirror! The little things can have such a dramatic effect on other people. I cannot relate. I truly do care about all people. I don't want to see anyone in pain. Some of the things people do to other people in order to get what they want is....unjustifyable! I cannot relate.

Someone that I once called a friend has hurt me more than they know. Now I know why. I hope it was worth it....cause if there really is such a thing as karma, you don't want to feel the way i do right now. I know the sun isn't gonna come up for me for a while.

I'm Baaackkkk

2010-01-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't done this in a long time, but I am so emotionally spent today that I think I might just explode. Blogging was a great outlet for me last time, so I might just have to start up again. Where to start, where to start. I had therapy today that ryan was supposed to show up to because he was late picking up the kids from school and they got scared and started walking home. The therapy was not because he was late, but because the kids were afraid to tell me. So I am stuck in this rock and a hard place because the kids are afraid to tell me things because they are afraid he will hurt them. The drama seems nowhere near ending. It is overwhelming. He continues to disappoint me and frustrate me that he won't step up to the plate and be a good father. He doesn't go to my son's basketball games or practices because it doesn't work for his schedule, but he will go to his soon to be stepson's games. My son asks me why. What am I supposed to tell him? Because your dad is a d-bag! Because he is completely selfish. Then the ONE time he goes to his game (because I forced him to take the kids for the full weekend, it had been three whole months) he is so hard on him. Turns to me and asks me if the coach is any good. Tells him to sit with his coach. Has the balls to ask me if I taught him how to dribble! Right! Falls all on me! Not his pathetic ass! I didn't even look at him and respond! Not only was this his first full weekend in three months, but he conveniently has plans again. He has to go watch his weight lifting girlfriend compete in some weight lifting competition. I had told him it was his weekend and to figure it out. What does he do? He leaves his kids with his sister, who had checked out via ambien for a few days to sort out her own crap! SERIOUSLY!! Leave your kids with someone who can't take care of themselves! Is this not the epitomy of selfishness? I could go on and on about all the stupid shit he does, but guess what? I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces. Figure out how to be there for my kids in midst of a deadbeat dad who only cares about himself. As if it isn't hard enough to work, take care of kids all on my own, and deal with all the emotional things they are going through....and myself!!

I know he will never change. I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do. I am overwhelmed by all he is constantly throwing at me. I am overwhelmed by trying to be mom AND dad! To top it off today I get a call that he hasn't paid his mortgage in 120 days. So to make a long story short...I'm grateful that I have my house and truck, cause now my credit is completely f***ed up! Oh as if that wasn't enough, one of (what used to be my good) friend is poking me in a very very sore wound! Then pouring salt in it, and spitting in it! A wound that I am trying sooo damn hard to heal!

So much more I could say......but for now, I'm gonna go back to crying!!

Ooops!! Sorry I Dropped That!!

2009-10-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

So yesterday the devil’s spawn called in an effort to work out getting his furniture from me. Which is all good because I want everything squared away as soon as possible so that he can get the hell out of my life. I am trying to make an effort to make it so that he has no control over me. So he calls and says that he is coming over to get his stuff. I tell him gladly and to hurry up because I have plans. Then I ask him who is going to help him move his stuff and he says his brother-in-law is going to help. So low and behold who do you think shows up at my door? Oh that’s right…..The devil’s spawn with his hands in his pockets and nobody to help him move furniture. So I ask him where his “peeps” are and he starts to laugh. So I said again…No really where are your peeps to help? He said he couldn’t get a hold of his brother-in-law! Of course!! So then I asked him how he was going to move the couch and if he is going to move it on his back. He said I guess so. I’ve got to admit, I am surprised that he didn’t show up with the coug!! Hmmmm……Maybe not!! So guess who helped move the furniture!! That’s right!! Why the hell can’t I just be mean!! He totally deserves it. I told him I was going to push the couch on top of his head while we were going down the stairs and laugh!! Wish I could!! Why do I have to be sooo damn nice?!?

His POV

2009-10-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a friend today that has me really thinking for some reason. This friend is a man. It is always interesting to me to get a man's POV (point of view). We were talking about sex. What better way to keep a man tuned in! LOL I have come to find that decent men are usually better friends than women. They are straight up honest usually and don't play childlike games, or get their feelings hurt very easily. Unless we are talking about sex, then all games on! Haha....I quite like talking with men. So this conversation basically ended up with him saying how would I know I have only had sex with two people. This is a very valid point and could not be argued, but what came out of this conversation has really stuck with me today. Basically, he ended up saying I was too picky. This really hurt a lot. I was so upset that he could say I am picky. Here I am thinking that the right man just hasn't came around yet, but in time he will. The more we talked about it the more I felt like a loser. I'm sure I could have quite a few guys if I wanted. All I needed was to lower my standards....right?!? I was feeling like the reason I hadn't found one was because I was being a snob.

Then I finally said it! Ummm.....I'd rather be alone then be with someone who treats me like shit. I've already spent half my life miserable with somebody who treated me terribly. The only thing missing is the sex part. Then I said....and to be honest....I don't want to be anybody's booty call. Tried that too. The only thing a booty call will do to me is lower my self-esteem. I don't want somebody who only wants me for sex. Then I told him that I was getting used to being alone anyway and that I had a hell of a lot more riding on my life than most men anyway. I don't only have to look out for myself. I have three kids precious lives riding on my choices too! Hell....I can't think of anything worse than ending up with a pedophile or some other terrible person. Then I told him I wasn't going to settle for somebody that I didn't really like just so I wasn't alone. Then I would just be miserable again in a relationship. Then I told him that I given up on finding a man because I had better things to worry about!

Then he said it.....GOOD FOR YOU!! LOL.....MEN!!

The Chess Game of Life

2009-09-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

Today I have found myself ruminating about the chess game I call life. It is so interesting how everything plays out. You wish and hope and pray for something, then realize in the end maybe that isn't what you wanted after all. As I look back at the way everything has unfolded I am completely and utterly amazed. In the beginning all I wanted was for Ryan to be sorry. To regret everything he has ever done to me and become the perfect man I "thought" he could be. Tell me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to be with me. How going through all of this has made him realize what a great wife, mother, companion, friend, and lover I was. Cause I knew I could be all these great things and maybe even more. Because I was willing to do whatever he needed, whatever he wanted out of me. That might be part of the reason it went all out of control. I let him do whatever he wanted just because I wanted to see him be happy, but in the end all it did was bite me in the ass. It was never good enough. It was never enough for him, like a child all he wanted was more and more. I think when you are in the middle of all the angst and pain you cannot see the beauty within yourself. I am amazed at what I have become without him. Without him taping my wings down I have truly soared. I left.....which was by far the hardest part for me. Packing up with a few totes of our belongings and leaving Idaho. What an amazing hard thing I did, now that I look back. I can't believe that I finally got the courage to do it! Then I had to come down and find a job, find a way to make it on my own. And believe me "my own" was not an understatement. In a final act of desperation and control, he gave me no money!! I saved and prepared for this day...AND I DID IT!! Then with all the strength I could muster I divorced him. When I did that I met, what I thought, was an amazing person, and I miss what this person represented, but in the end ended up to be pretty close to what I had when I left Ryan. This person was not controlling, but in the end made me feel pretty unloved. I told myself that I would never be with someone who didn't care to see me or didn't return my messages. I got that test and failed miserably! I wanted that person to love me, and he didn't. It seems as though I have always been looking for that one person to love me, but never got it. Not even my parents. They were drunks and looking after themselves for the most part. I felt very alone and unloved, much like I felt in my marriage. I survived that. Then I survived losing my job and went on to find a great job. Now I am in the middle of finding a home. WOW! What a year!!
So to try and wrap up my point, on Friday I was getting my kids from Ryan and he made a gesture to me that I knew from 12 years of marriage to him meant give me a hug. UMMMM....NO, I said. He continued this gesture until finally he grabbed me and hugged me and said I really need a hug right now. So I hugged him and then he went on to say, How about a kiss! I responded with a hell no and turned to leave. Then he asked about a few other sexual favors and I just had to pick my jaw up and pretty much leave. The next day upon talking about it he said it was a joke and yada yada yada! I really am not stupid!! So I basically told him that I am not stupid and just to clear the air.......I will never be with you because I could never forgive you!! I just want you to know that!! He tried to play it off!! But now I am ruminating about how that is all I ever wanted. He sounded to be in the verge of tears. Said in a nutshell that him and the coug were just friends and might not work out! Big shocker I know!! This is exactly what I wanted.............THEN!!! Amazing the chess game of life!! :)

Ice Cream With The Devil's Spawn!!

2009-09-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

So I have been very lucky and have minimized contact with Zero lately. He is only able to communicate with me via email unless it is a quick where are we meeting type of deal. But for some odd reason we ended up talking the other day. It ended ugly of course!! He ended up going off on me about wanting a coffee table. Unfortunately, he is stupid and doesn't remember that this has all been already set in stone. Good damn thing because this is why he communicates with me by email. He is a compulsive liar and cannot ever remember what he said last because he is trying to remember what lie to cover up next. That and his voice is like nails on the chalkboard to me. Seriously!?!? He is trying to act like I should give him this furniture that I have. Like he deserves jack sh**!! He already jacked me out of a lot of money, but I settled to get rid of his sorry arse! So he continues to beg and plead and try like always to get me to see his side, but he hasn't realized that I have finally reached the place that I don't give a crap about his side. He is an idiot and I could care less about him. So I finally just get pissed and go off on him. I tell him that with the extra $800 a month that he isn't giving me, he can go ahead and get his own damn coffee table and with all the money he drained out of savings he can just go ahead and kiss my rosy white arse! Then if that wasn't enough, I just finally hung up on him. He is an incredible waste of my time and energy. He irritates the hell out of me.

So I just go on with my day and then he calls me in the evening. I take my time calling him back and say did the kids call me. He says no that he needed to talk to me, but he would just call me later. They hell he will....I don't think so....and try and ruin my night! NO WAY! So I tell him I have plans and to just go ahead and spit it out right now. So he says....Well we were going to invite you out to ice cream, but it's too late now. I just sat there for a minute and said....What? You want me to go to ice cream with you guys? You guys and the cougar?!? WTF?!? He says....no. Hmmm....this really had me ruminating last night. Why the hell does he want me to go to ice cream? Is this because he knows I am getting a house and he is sick of living with his sister? He has a girlfriend!!! What a freakin weirdo?!? In the end though.....I have no desire to have ice cream with the devil's spawn....I will have to PASS!!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

2009-09-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

I would find it hard to believe that every person (and I mean every person!!) has not thought about some love in their past and what it would have been like if they were with them and not the person they are currently with. And I can't help but to think is it some kind of cosmic joke. That even if you have the chance to be with this person...can you really?!? It's just barely out of your reach. You want this person and long for this person, you just can't have them. And no matter how hard you try you eventually just have to let the person go! We all want that made in the movies love, but is it possible? Is it just some sick twisted game where it is dangled just barely out of your reach?!? Or who are those lucky few? And if they say they are married to their "true love", are they just saying that? Are they thinking of some missed opportunity to? Or worse, is their partner thinking of some missed opportunity? WTF is this stupid game called love anyway?!?

A Mouse in my Kitchen! I'm Not a Fan!!

2009-08-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

So let's see how crazy and sporadic I can be. Way too many crazy things going on. I really wish zero would stop harassing me. He writes me a million emails, none of which answer my one question. Will you pick up the kids every Friday?!? He wants the furniture I have in my apartment. Really?!? Why?!? He doesn't even have a living room to put it in, he has the nicer bedset, which is mine. It really doesn't make any sense, except that he wants to do anything to keep control. I guess life really starts to suck for other people when I will not longer participate in their drama. I am practically begging him to never contact me again unless it has to do with the kids. No such luck I guess.
My one and only man is leaving me tomorrow for 14 days! I might just die! I will miss him soo much, but I know he will have a ton of fun with his grandpa. Can't believe he is flying on a plane with his cousin without me! YIKES!! Not like me at all! Honestly, it freaks me out!
It has been exactly one week since I have told the other man in my life (booty call) to take care in an extremely irritated voice. He really hurt my feelings when he acted put out to talk to me. I called him to let him know that zero was spreading a rumor that I dated him just to make zero jealous. I really didn't want booty to think that. He acted all irritated and I finally said you know I was just trying to treat you the way I would like to be treated because I would never want you to think that I did that and then said all pissy take care and hung up. I have no desire to have a man that is put out to talk to me (even though we only talk about once a month) and doesn't return my calls. If I wanted that I would have stayed with zero.
Then I have no idea how I landed such an awesome job with what I hear is the best supervisor in the place. She is great. Apparently, they get 100 applications a day! I have no idea how I got the job. I must give good phone. To top it all off she is willing to let me cut down to accommodate my kids! WTH!!! How did I get so lucky!!
Today I walked into my kitchen to find a mouse stuck on a trap! My kids laughed at me forever and told me to chill. It was alive and I wrapped the trap in aprons and slid it into a garbage bag all while freaking out. Jumping up and down and screaming! MICE!! I AM NOT A FAN!!
But all in all my life is turning up. Now if we could just find a house.....that would be the icing!!

What Part of Stop Harassing Me or I'll Press Charges Don't You Understand!

2009-08-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

So I know it has been a really long time since I have blogged, but I am going to try and get myself back into the habit because I really do have some serious ranting to do! First of all...What the hell is wrong with men?!? They don't want you unless you don't want them. It's like some stupid game. All men like are games? I have two men that I am trying to ditch. On being the ultimate anti-christ and one annoying younger brother. Younger brothers can be good (I guess I don't actually have one) but you certainly don't want any kind of physical relationship with them. That's just gross and I definitely don't want that with this guy, but he really tries hard. Even though I tell him there is no chance in hell. The more he tries the more irritated I get. So let's start with the anti-christ. I finally had him served so that he would be forced to give me my check. He eluded the law for quite some time, but when they finally found him he was pissed. I mean extremely pissed. He wouldn't pay his childcare. He was talking trash about me to the kids, which resulted in a stern talking to them by me. Drops the kids off at other peoples house when I could be seeing them. Extremely crappy now that I work full time and really want to see them. Oh man the ugliness got bad....to the point that I just started ignoring him. Won't pick up his calls. Won't return his text. Won't return his emails. Won't return his instant messages. All of which seemed to get him even more mad. I am really sick of all the drama he brings down and this is the only way to get rid of it. Then today he emailed me all day. Saying he wanted his furniture and blah blah blah. All of which I replied I will happily give you your furniture as soon as you give me my check, which is supposed to happen on the 21st! YEAH! I told him I will even have the Sheriff here so that I can do without any undo drama on your part. Funny thing is all he kept saying is that's fine I'm gonna tell the kids that I can't give the kids money cause of you. Grow-up for the kids. Blah blah blah. So it seems as though the more I ignore him the more he won't leave me alone! So he calls three times today, all of which I will not answer and I let him talk to the kids. Then he gets all mad at me. The last thing I said to him was "Keep harassing me and I will press charges!! Why is it so hard for me to find a good man?!?

My Patience Is Running Thin

2009-06-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

So i am really struggling right now. I have had a couple of really bad days. I'm really tired of having to deal with zero. It seems as though he will do nothing to stop from irritating me or being in my face. He left my kids unattended again for the third time. Not only did he leave them alone for the third time, but he left them at Lagoon. An amusement park! An amusement park!! What kind of idiot leaves two six year olds alone at an amusement park so him and his stupid girlfriend can go on rides. I had the opportunity to ask her about it and she just said i would need to understand the circumstances. The circumstance now is that zero now is with zilch!! She doesn't see how this is an issue! So cougar is now zilch! I just really think that adults have had their turn and it is time to grow up and understand that you are now in charge of kids. These kids deserve to have fun, you've had your turn to be a child! I went off on the two of them about how the hell were they going to get off a ride to save my children. They of course had nothing to say and if they needed to ride rides without the children then maybe their dumbasses should go alone. Apparently, neither one of them have their kids very often!! So i went off on her and she just looked at the floor. So in order to solve the issues with children we are to go to a family therapist and then i make the final say. Well zero protested that he would not go! Well guess who showed up yesterday at the therapist and all he did was lie!! I could not believe it!! How do people go home and look in the mirror when all they do is tell bold faced lies!! I just buried my head in my hands! He said that I was an alcoholic, dated a druggie, a partier. All bold faced lies! And i know the therapist knew it. You could totally tell by his body language that he was lying. She asked repeated questions, some after which four or five different angles he let in a little about him ultimately doing the crime! Then when we were getting ready to go in, he pulled out an insurance card! I was stunned!! This piece of work said that he couldn't afford to get health insurance on his kids, but he has it for himself!! I just looked at him and told him he was quite classy! I just don't understand. Why is it the evil people prevail?!? I live my life treating people how i want to get treated and i get crapped on!! I'm getting laid off at the end of the month to top it off! Then I seem to be pissing everyone off by sticking up for myself. I am tired of going along with everyone. This is the new me. I let people do what they want and don't throw a temper-tantrum when they don't do what i want, but when the shoe is on the other foot! I want to take my kids and crawl in a hole. I want this s*** to end. I want zero to leave me alone and i want to shield us from his attacks. I know one day it will end. My patience is running thin!

Some People Shouldn't Be Allowed to Have Children!!

2009-05-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

My life is soo crazy. I went on vacation last weekend and had a blast. I definitely went away with some crazy memories!! Gotta love my friends! They are awesome!! Then i come home to something else to take care of. I got laid off of my job. Now i need to find another one! Yeah me!! Then the ex is being a total wanker again!! I can't make an offer on my home because he won't tell me when I'm going to get a check. To top it off he called me every day while i was on vacation!! He wanted to know where gymnastics was and what time and blah blah blah. I emailed him very specific directions! Then he calls me to see when i will be home!! Normally he takes the kids until monday morning and takes them to school. Not very long ago he took the kids to sleep over at his sisters on a sunday night so that she could get them to school. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! When i asked him why he did that, because I was sitting home, he said because it was his time and he could do whatever he wanted!! REALLY?!?! Could he be anymore stupid? Don't answer that! I sat home and he took the kids to his sisters when their mom could get them ready for school. So when I am on vacation he calls to see if I will be home on sunday because he has to work on monday. No shit! Just like every other monday, but this particular weekend he wants me to take the kids!! What an idiot! I am not stupid. He was calling to check in on me because he thought I was going with a man. Obviously, it was killing him and he deserves it. Then I come home and find out that he took the kids to lagoon with his cougar and they took the boys on a ride and left my two six year old girls out to wait while they waited out the line and rode the ride. When I questioned him about this he said he could see them the whole time and they were fine! This coming from the stupid a** who left the kids at a park while he worked, let them ride in the back of the truck while he drove around town, left them at a pool, and now at a very public place!! Then when I tell him about it he basically says it was fine and he's not going to do anything about it. Now I seriously doubt his cougars parenting abilities also! I was feeling better that at least he had a mother there, but obviously she is just as stupid as he is! Who leaves two six year olds unattended!?! That is a disaster waiting to happen!! I am completely uncomfortable with them taking care of my children!! So I decided that I won't sit back anymore. I made an appointment with the family therapist because that is what we agreed upon when there is an issue, but i still get the final say. He basically said he won't be there. Then I emailed my attorney to see what actions I can take and cc'd him. I haven't gotten a check, he is not following the parenting rules. He messages me that I am having a power trip. I told him to call it whatever the hell he wants to, but I will not back down this time. I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids safe and if that means going for sole custody, so be it!

My Life is a Trip to Baskin Robbins

2009-05-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

It's the eve of mother's day and for some reason all of a sudden i am feeling completely down. i had a great day. i met up with family. took my girls to see a light show. but i feel completely all alone. i got a call from the ex earlier asking for the recipe for my marinade to marinate steaks. apparently, he is going out on a limb and cooking for his cougar. i gave him the recipe, but it really sucks to hear that he is cooking for her. the last memorable mother's day he told me to get out of bed and go to his friends house for breakfast. then i spent the day shopping by myself. until he finally called later (i think because he was hanging with his friends and they were giving him crap) and asked if i wanted to go to dinner. he made me sit home all day by myself and hung with his friends, took the kids, until his friends made him call. they probably told him he was a jerk. now he is cooking for his cougar on mother's day! wtf?!
i'm gonna be completely honest here. i am wondering what the hell makes me different. why would he cook for her on mother's day? why does he call her every day and talk to her for hours? why does he treat her like his best friend? why does he actually do things with his kids with her? he would never do anything with us. he was always too busy. he goes on vacation with her. he would have never went to st. george with us. we didn't go on a vacation in 5 years, but now all of a sudden he will do all these things for her. it hurts. then to top it off he spends every waking minute that he's not working with her. he always wanted to be with his friends. don't get me wrong. i have not desire to be with him, but i'm not going to say that these things don't hurt. i am starting to wonder how it is that he can find someone and i am still alone. i'm wondering why that is? i thought i was a catch! now he's the one in a relationship. i am out there trying to try all the flavors, but all i am getting is vanilla. a few of these vanilla ice cream have just recently threw in a couple of chocolate chips, but they still aren't rocky road. rocky road is my favorite. haha. i feel like i had rocky road and no this was not my ex, but my rocky road sat out in the sun too long and now all he is is melted chocolate with little bits of marshmallow and nuts scattered around. i feel like every morning and every night i am reminded of this as i pass by the puddle in my driveway. the sad remnants staring at me every day. one day i will get the courage to finally clean it all up.

It All Comes Together!!

2009-05-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

So once again something odd happened to me and i am just barely seeming to put all the pieces together, which is soo funny. So tonight I was getting ready to go out and meet some friends for drinks and all of a sudden my phone rings. I always answer my home phone because it doesn't have caller id. I pick it up and it's my home teacher and being the rude person I am I say hello and then proceed to tell him that I am walking out the door. I ask him if I can call him back and ask him if he has something to ask me really quick. I really need to get caller id at home. So he says yes...then asks me if I have plans tomorrow night. I tell him yes I do and then he proceeds to tell me how hard i am to get ahold of. That he has tried to stop by. I tell him that yes I am not home very often. Then he tells me that he was going to ask me to go to Star Trek with him tomorrow night. WTF?!?! I am completely taken back. I say oh, I'm sorry i have plans. Then he asks me if I can go next weekend. I sit there for a minute and then tell him I have to check my calendar and I am walking out the door. He says oh okay. Then as if by magic and I am really excited about this, i remember that I am going to California the next weekend. Yeah!! Buys me another weekend out. Then I take down his number and tell him I will call him later. Then on the way to my friends house I start getting all these flashbacks. I start remembering things about him. He comes over alot to bring me over things. Books, flyers, church gatherings. When he comes over he acts a little goofy. First of all, I didn't even think they could ask you out, but he is single. I start remembering all the talk about his divorce, all the talk about him moving here from Cali. He tells me that him and his partner have been trying to stop by, but it's not until this moment that I realize why he acts so weird when he's around. Then I remember the phone call last Sunday morning. The phone rings last Sunday morning and of course I hop up and answer it because everyone knows better than to call me too early in the morning. I answer it and it's my home teacher and he was going on and on about lord knows what. Talking about his job, and his family, and the singles ward. He freaking talked to me for about an hour and I was half awake. Then he says to me did I wake you up! Well, duh it is 11:30 on a Sunday!!! LMAO

Make the Hurting Stop!!

2009-04-26T16:09:00.001-07:00

I would think that since I am finally divorced I would be free from the anti-christ. This is becoming less and less of a reality. In my divorce settlement I am supposed to be getting bought out of our houses so that me and my kids can get into a home. Now I have been divorced more than 30 days and and he had 30 days to cut me a check and buy me out. I haven't been pressing the issue because I haven't found a home yet, but as the time nears, I figure that I could be putting this money away in a savings account and earning interest on it. So I finally told him that he was now contempt and that he needed to get me the check or my only option was to take him back to court. I really don't want to do this. Although, in my divorce decree it states that the winning party has to pay all court/attorney costs. I could only hope that I would win, since it is a final court document and he is contempt. The issue is he is trying to get me to sign on his refi! I tell him repeatedly that I have spent thousands of dollars to not have my name next to his anywhere. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to sign a refi with him. I'm not going to be on any loan with him!! YIKES!! So yesterday, I get this email stating that he has talked to his attorney and if I want to go back to court most likely the judge will determine that he is not able to take out the refi and that he needs to sell the homes first. The shitty part is if this is true I have to wait for him to sell the homes and I won't be able to get a home until they are sold. He is a complete wanker!! He's playing this card on how he wants me and the kids to get into a home and he will even help me fix it up. Yeah right!! I am sooo sick of his manipulative tactics!! I am so sick of him!! I want it to go away!!

Time of Death

2009-04-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

So i always seem to have these revelations in the shower. Today i am wondering how do I know when to call it? Then every time I do call it something else happens. One door closes and then another one opens right. Hmmm....still wondering. So the whole thing has flat lined, but I still continue to try and pump blood into it. I feel as though I am blowing air into it and then pumping the heart, but the heart is dead. I think it’s dead, it starts to pump blood through the veins every once in a while, but it always goes back to flat line. When does a person know when to stop putting all your breath and arm strength into something? It does bring back life momentarily, but still goes to flat line. So I have decided to call it! Call the time of death. The question is, do I leave the corpse on the table or do i clean it up?

Ryan is a Wanker!!

2009-04-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

You would think that now that I am divorced the drama from the ex would calm down. I am thinking that now that he knows I am dating he is getting very angry. I think he expected to see me crumble when he showed up to the concert with his cougar! Hence, his big master plan! I really think he is sooo cool calm and collected that it is eerie! He wanted to see me get all upset about this girl. I just don't see it. She's not that great in my eyes, but I guess I shouldn't judge! I did get upset about her in the past, but not because I thought she was all that great of a person. It was because he was talking with her everyday and I was imagining that he was treating her like his best friend and that was all I every wanted! But I didn't get upset about her, because I can honestly say that I don't care. She can have him. He is a loser and scary and I don't want to be with him anymore! Well I was talking with him the other day and he asked me who the guy I was seeing was and yada yada. One thing led to another and he made sure to tell me how happy he was with coug and how she was sooo much better than me in so many ways. He was so glad that we were divorced cause she was so great! Yeah! But he did make sure to tell me that I was a better cook that her! Thank you very much. I greatly appreciate it. I am so glad that I devoted 15 years to someone who says I am nothing. Nothing I did was good enough. Nothing like a low blow to the self-esteem. I just finally said good thing we got divorced then and I'm really glad your happy! Now go f*** yourself! I didn't say the later, but thought of that and alot of other fun things!! All things that would include alot of stars!! If that wasn't bad enough I found out that the girl's teacher had called him and wouldn't tell me what she needed. He is such a wanker! Then today I was trying to find out what the schedule was for this weekend because he gets to take them for easter and spring break. I was hoping to spend Thursday night and Friday morning with them because I don't work on Friday's. Apparently, he is taking them out of town and doesn't feel he needs to tell me where they are going or what is going on. He says he doesn't need to tell me anything. When they are in his care it is none of my business! Bull s***! He has to tell me! I have a right to know what is going on with my kids, but he just wants to make me mad cause misery loves company! He is getting so damn old with his stupid games. I would hope he is smart enough to know that he has to tell me where my kids are going and what the teacher needs! So I told him can't you just communicate with me like an adult? Nope! If not I will have to have my attorney do something about it! He said go ahead. So apparently, he wants to just cost me money for fun! Can't he choke already?!!

We Will Now Call Him Zero!!

2009-04-01T12:14:00.002-07:00

So I have decided that now that Ryan has sunk to new lows I am going to start calling him Zero! Because that is what he is a zero! He is pond scum. The low of low! So yesterday I was lucky enough to hang with my kids, because they are supposed to be spending their spring break with Zero. In casual conversation my son mentions that his dad will be picking him up Thursday night. Now all this time, I thought I would be able to spend time with my kids Thursday night and Friday morning. I don’t work on Fridays and he always works so I figured I would get to hang with them. And of course Zero doesn’t mention this to me. He sits back and waits for my son to tell me. Because he believes that he doesn’t have to tell me what he does in his time with the kids. Keep in mind that he also won’t tell me what the kid’s teacher called him about. And he doesn’t think that he needs to tell me if he leaves the kids longer than two hours, which is very clear in the parent plan!! So I ask Zero if he is going somewhere (because it is not normal for him to take them before Friday) and he of course tells me he doesn’t have to tell me. Then in the course of the conversation he says they might go to St. George. I immediately tell him that he has to tell me if he his taking them out of town! Same effing response. I don’t need to tell you what I do with them on my time! Umm….yes you do! Then he proceeds to tell me that it is still in state and I take the kids to my moms without informing him! AS IF! I can say with a clear conscious that I have never sent my kids to my mother’s house without telling him! He is making shit up! To validate his messed up behavior! So I tell him great, what you are saying is that I’m going to have to get my attorney to do something about it! So he says “Go ahead!” He says go ahead because he wants me to spend money on my attorney. He is sooo cool calm and collected. He is sooo frightening. So this morning I have to call my attorney and see what my rights are because if I don’t do anything about it, he will keep doing it just to piss me off! Then I write him an email stating what he was doing and a link to the state statute saying that he has to inform me of vacations, etc. So he writes back stating the date and his cougar’s number! Then he im’s me! I am going to copy and paste this:
Zero: thanks ill get that to ya
Zero: April 10-12.St George,utah
Zero: Cougar 801-123-4567 you may need it down the road anyway.
Zero: If you bother her or do anything else other than call her in case of an emergency I will have her press charges
Me : J
Me : still waiting for the detail on the discussion with the teacher.
Zero: have a nice day and if you want the kids Thusday and Friday morning let me know but I need them by 1:00
Zero: I don’t know ask the teacher
Me : you don't know what you discussed with the teacher?
Me : interesting.
Zero: she just left a message if it was really important than of course I would let you know
Me : you are to let me know whether you think it is important or not.
Me : we have joint custody
Zero: Ask Kaiya she know what she was talking about not me and quit bothering me.
Me : I’ll talk to the teacher
Me : I’m following the statute and hopefully you will too.
AS IF I’M GOING TO HARRASS HIS COUGAR! I am so effing tired of him! I am sooo mad today that I am shaking!! If he was soooo damn happy he would leave me alone!

The Plot

2009-04-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the things that happen to me. Just when I decide to close a door or make some kind of decision something crazy happens just to let me know that there is some cosmic force out there that is beyond my control. I need to just sit back and try to be entertained by it I guess. Last night I went to a concert that I have been waiting months to go to. It was completely sold out. I was sooo excited to be going! Been looking forward to it for a long time. So I take my kids to meet the anti-christ around 5:30 because we were supposed to have dinner and then go over and get a good spot at the concert. I load the kids into Ryan’s truck and he’s like what time is the concert? Why do you have to go so early? Whatever. I totally ignore him and get on my way. We get there and are standing in line, find a table and settle in. The concert was starting at 8 and they let us in at 7. All of a sudden I get this text from Ryan. It no shit says “If you would like to meet (insert coug) you can tonight. I will leave that up to you. See you at the concert.” This is at 7:30. WTF?! Where are my kids? Seeing as how the concert is sold out how the hell did he get a ticket and he must have known this in plenty of time to have told me, but no he waits until half an hour before the concert!! Drop it on me. Give me no time to prepare. I find out that he made arrangements for my children to stay overnight with his sister and doesn’t even let me know. He asks me what time the concert is, knowing damn well what time it is! Then he makes me meet him in the middle of Salt Lake just to drive them back to where we live! This is sooo calculated it is disgusting! Seriously!! Who goes through this much effort (probably at least a month in advance) to make sure that I run into him and his cougar! It was a huge place. I might not have even seen him if he didn’t let me know he was going to be there! So I go outside to give the guy I am meeting his ticket and I run into Ryan and his cougar. I don’t know if she even knew I was going to be there. I went up to her and said hello and she looked completely shocked! I wonder if he even told her I was going to be there. I told her I wanted to meet her and make sure there was no animosity between the two of us. Then I told them both that I was glad that they were happy. Then talked to Ryan about some random crap. Yada Yada. Then went on my way down the line to meet up with the guy I invited. We are chatting and get up in line to where we pass through the gates and there is Ryan. He looks over and sees me and the guy. Looking completely shocked he says “This is the guy you are dating!” I say nothing, but I can still hear him yammering away about something and we walk through the door completely ignoring everything he says and luckily I really didn’t hear. Then he spends the rest of his night hanging all over the coug and looking over our way!! NO JOKE! It was hilarious. I really could care less about him and this girl! I’m glad that she is with him and not me

I Spy Ryan!!

2009-03-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

The last few days I have been wondering what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now. I think I have finally figured it out. Well I should say that I think I have figured it out again. I had a moment of weakness. After all that time working up my strength after leaving Ryan. Working on my self-esteem, working on myself. I was alone a whole year and a half. I didn’t even care about being alone. I was happy and content just hanging with the girls. Then in the middle of nowhere this guy shows up. This guy is awesome. He is speaking my love language. Calls me everyday. Text me everyday. Just let’s me know that he is thinking of me. I am taken completely off course. I can feel myself developing very real feelings for this person. He is cute. He is into me. He can communicate. Everytime we get together we get along great. I have such a fun time with him. It seems almost too good to be true. He is everything that I have said that I ever wanted. Then two months into it we have this issue, or I should say it is my issue. I got my feelings hurt and I wasn’t very nice about it. So I get my feelings out and realize that it wasn’t very nice and call and leave a voicemail asking him to call me. Fully intending on apologizing, but I never get the opportunity because he doesn’t call back. Day two goes by and he still doesn’t call. Then day three, four, and five. So I finally text him asking if he is alive and he replies with work has been so busy. Okay, I’m gonna let it go. So I keep trying and hoping things will recover, but they don’t. Then I finally say hey I just want you to know that I’m sorry (via text mind you cause he’s not being very responsive). He says that he was upset because I was drama and he doesn’t like drama. Long story short he finally says he’s over it, but things are still cold. I finally ask him one day if he is still planning on going to this concert with me and my friend that has been planned for a while. He said he is and I am totally taken back. I was expecting an excuse of why he couldn’t go. Things are getting so cold by this point. I told him that I was indeed shocked and he asked why. I told him that he wasn’t that into me so I figured he wouldn’t want to go. Then he proceeds to tell me that I’m looking too much into and that he is into me. It is a two way street and he thinks people should treat people the way they want to be treated. So for at least two weeks I decide that he has a point and I do read too much into things and that if I want him I will put in the effort. I will treat him how I want to be treated and I do. I text him and tell him that I am thinking of him, missing him, etc. But everything is different now. His response time is significantly slower. It can take him two hours to respond if he does at all. Now putting my feelings out there is very hard for me. I don’t want to get burned. I don’t usually tell people I miss them or thinking of them. It is very hard for me, but I decide that since I really like him I’m going to do it even if it ends up hurting. At least he will know. So this last week I went out on a limb and told him how much I missed him and wanted to see him again soon. He invites me out on Sunday, but he never calls or text on Sunday. So I finally text him at 2 asking what the 411 is. He calls two hours later letting me know that the function isn’t happening. I tell him that I am fine with that and let him know I want to see him and call me when he wants to get together again. I have really been pushing past my comfort level at this point. NO DRAMA in our conversation whatsoever. So he tells me he will call me Sunday night. It is now Tuesday morning. The morning of the concert and I have yet to hear from him. Now I understand that crap happens. If it was me and I fell asleep or something happened Sunday night then I would call Monday morning or text. He can even attest to this, as can my good friends. Even if I was too busy to talk I would tell them that I would get back to them and I was sorry. Nobody is too busy to make a simple text. He even said I believe you treat people how you want to be treated. He is not treating me the way I want to be treated! I think if you tell someone you are going to do something you should do it or at least explain why you can’t. I feel like I am getting treated with complete disrespect. On a side note, I apologized and made an effort. What can he say that I didn't try or didn't apologize and try to make it better!!! The interesting point and moral of this story is I am getting treated the same way Ryan treated me. Like I was very low on his totem pole and he would get to me when he was damn good and ready. I am learning that I want more than that from a partner!!!

Don't Be Hatin!

2009-03-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am sure now that I have gotten my laptop everyone can expect more current posts. Especially since it is 1 am and I have insomnia again! So now instead of staring at the ceiling I am going to get to rant and rave! Yeah you! So tonight I can't stop thinking about Ryan's last episode. It is so funny. I can't stop laughing. Yesterday as I was driving up to my mom's with my sister and brother-in-law we were totally laughing about this story and now it is some inside joke. Anyway.....I am going to tell the story now! So I am starting to get these harassing phone calls from Ryan. He is completely torqued about me filing my taxes separately. So he calls me on Thursday night three times, leaves a message, and I finally decide I'm gonna get that monkey off my back and call him back. So I call and you guessed it he was so nice! Barf! So he starts by asking why I don't want to file together if it's just because I want to punish him. Duh! I don't have to punish him. Karma is working overtime at this point! So he rambles on and on again about how much filing together is the best way to go and yada yada yada, blah blah blah! What he doesn't get is that I am done bowing down to him. He used to be able to convince me to do whatever he wanted. He still thinks that yammering away his point is going to change my mind. So I let him yammer and then I just plainly say finally, "I guess you shouldn't have blown all the savings and made double mortgages. That was pretty stupid!" Then he is starting to get very angry. He starts to pull out his big guns. Fine then. I guess you're just not going to be getting child support then. I can't afford to pay taxes and you child support. Again with the yammering. So I let him yammer on about how he wouldn't be paying child support and then I just started to laugh. I didn't need to tell him that he would be forced to pay me support first because he already knew. He was trying to scare me but it didn't work. Then he was trying to pull his pity card because that had always worked in the past also. But I totally believe that what goes around comes around. I don't feel sorry for him. He deserves it. So I am totally laughing and there are no more cards on the table. So he finally says "Fine! Why don't you just go around with all your hate! Go live with all that hate in your life! Just....Just.....Just go ahead and be a hater!" Oh yeah! You read it right! Go ahead and be a hater! So.......the new tooneism is born! Don't be hatin! LOL

One Door Closes

2009-03-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

So it hasn’t been until lately that I have been noticing the reality of the saying “When one door closes, another one opens.” I have really been noticing that when I finally make a decision (and yes it usually takes me time to decide) something ALWAYS happens. Even if I make a decision to end a relationship with someone, other new people come into my life. It is amazing to me how it all works. In the process of meeting these new people I have noticed that my focus and drive has started to shift. When I started this whole divorce process I had some very specific goals and some of these new people have gotten themselves into my head and taken a little more space than I need right now, making my focus seem to fade. Don’t get me wrong, I really love these new people in my life right now and I really do enjoy their company. The question arises where do I turn my brain off of them and back onto my kids and I. I know that I have a very busy mind and it actually takes a lot for someone to truly get inside my head. It takes a special person to do that. A person that actually makes me laugh. A person that actually makes me think. A person that is smart and can stimulate my mind. I analyze everything. I analyze to make sure that I am making the right decision. I think that some of this comes from being in an abusive relationship and always having to wonder what the consequence might be.
When I decided to leave Ryan I had to stop analyzing what he was doing. I had to stop thinking about what might happen to me if I didn’t do what he wanted. Everytime I thought about him I would just tell myself that I didn’t want to be with him anymore and everything was going to be just fine. I started a list of goals and focused on them instead. So today I decided instead of trying to make everybody else happy (like I so get into the pattern of doing) I am going to shift my thought process onto my current goals. I am sure that now that I am closing that door, the next one will open again! I'm not going to waste my precious brain space anymore!

Clean-Up Time Again

2009-03-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

I know it would seem as though I make these stories up, but I assure you I do not. It is hilarious. It seems as though karma really does happen. It is proved day in and day out in my life. So in my divorce decree it states that I am to get my taxes done by the 15th of March so that Ryan has the option to buy me out of my tax deductions. He gets one girl every year to deduct and I get one girl every year to deduct and we rotate our son. Well seeing as how we were technically still married for ’08 we needed to decide whether we were going to file married separately or together. So we are talking about it sometime last week and he told me that I had to file with him, since we were married and to top it off I am going to have to pay half of the taxes last year! He didn’t even pay at all the whole year! So I can feel the heat starting to rise to my head. All I think is that is total crap. I shouldn’t have to pay for taxes. I am a single mom trying to do it all. Plus I know if he hasn’t paid taxes at all throughout the year then he is going to be paying a lot of money. There is no way I will be able to afford this. I’m just getting more angry the more he goes on about it, to the point that I think smoke might start coming out of my ears! Yikes! Then I start thinking that I swear in our legal docs that it says that I’m not responsible for any of his back taxes. Plus I don’t think I have to do my taxes with him. So I get off the phone and call my attorney. Sure enough I’m not responsible for any of his back taxes and to top it off there is no agreement about alimony, so I don’t have to claim alimony for ’08. So I get all my info on filing my taxes and the accountant I talk to thinks that I will be able to get money back. So I decided to file my taxes separately in ’08 and when he finds this out he is mad. He goes off about how it is going to save me money to file taxes together. Really?! How is that? I said it’s not going to save me any money I already know that. So he goes fine, you don’t care if it’s going to save me any money? I said you’re the one that drained our savings account and made double house payments. Maybe you should’ve used some of that money to pay your taxes. He left in a major huff and said that’s nice. You don’t even care if it’s gonna benefit the kids?! As if! What kind of idiot does he think I am?! The only way it’s going to benefit the kids is if it goes to me. Doesn’t he realize that I am the one picking up the pieces. Really!! Seeing your kids six days a month isn’t really helping me any? He is such an idiot. You can tell this is his last card! He knows that’s the only thing I care about! I think this is totally where karma comes in. He totally drained the savings, is giving me $800 less a month, going to make the kids go to daycare because of it, claiming poverty to me! He totally deserves this! The funny part is he thinks he can strong arm me into doing what he wants because that is how it always worked! I know he is totally blown over by my new stance! Oh well sucks to be him! Time for me to worry about me and the kids!

Then to top it off this weekend he has had some plans arranged for him and the kids. So on Saturday I ask him what he is doing with the kids. He asks me if the kids are nearby and I tell him no, then he proceeds to tell me that he is taking the kids to Disney on Ice. I asked him if he was going with anyone because it’s not like him to go alone. He said he didn’t know. I said you don’t know if you’re going with anyone? He says he doesn’t! What a weirdo! So I am telling my sister that he is taking the kids to Disney on Ice and I bet he is going with his cougar! She said really? I’m going to Disney on Ice on Sunday. I start laughing and say wouldn’t that be funny if you ran into him? We both laugh. So sure enough Sunday afternoon the text start coming in. Ryan and the cougar are here. No freaking way! This is coming from my mom because apparently she went with my sis. Really?! What are the chances of him running into his ex-mother-in-law at Disney on Ice. It is so freaking hilarious! So apparently my mom goes up to see the kids and he totally stands right in front of his cougar and doesn’t even introduce her! AGAIN! He is obviously embarrassed by her! She has to have extremely low self-esteem to put up with this. I know that would make me feel pretty crappy! Now if he would have told me I could have prepared my kids a little more. My son is very protective and has gotten angry every time Ryan mentions his girlfriend because he feels like Ryan doesn’t like me or anyone in his family. He thinks Ryan likes his friends more. Plus since he is the only male in the family he feels like he needs to protect me. I guess my kids looked a little sad, which sucks! I guess I have clean-up duty today!

Pick Up The Phone

2009-03-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

So this morning I am stuck with the thought of what the hell is wrong with people? So since I am feeling this way I have decided to rant and rave via blog! Lucky you! Specifically, what is wrong with Ryan? I went in and signed my divorce papers last Monday. They told me it shouldn't take very long to get Ryan to sign off. So I anticipate a couple days and we should be on our way. Besides, if Ryan was the least bit smart he would sign quickly. He is getting the deal of the century. He is not responsible for covering his children on health insurance because his plan has become too big of a "burden" to pay! He is paying $800 less a month because he is "unable" to pay! RIGHT! Apparently, his job has went through some major changes. He just doesn't make enough money to pay his child support. He doesn't make enough money to pay what the effing commissioner has already ordered him to pay! He is just broke. I feel so bad for him! He is broke, living with his sister, has a half a million dollar home, a home on the lake, somehow was able to make double mortgage payments. Then to top it off he hardly ever takes his kids. He has then one full weekend and two half weekends. No weekday visits. How can he go this long without seeing his kids! If I get started on what I think about how broke he is this post might not ever end! The saddest part is now that he has rented the Star home if he was just able to give me a little more money then I would be able to avoid putting our kids in daycare or some after school program. He would rather see me put his kids in after school care than give me more money, which will cost him a hell of a lot more than giving me money to take care of them and only work 30 hours a week! He is soooo stupid! My kids are going to be the ones that suffer. Besides, who the f*** has a lake home and can't afford to pay their child support! That is just ridiculous! It would be one thing if it was listed for sale, but it's not!
So back to signing of the papers. I ask him if he has signed the papers and he has not! Let me tell you why he hasn't signed the papers. It is so ridiculous that it is laughable! He has not signed the papers because he is waiting for his attorney to mail them to him! WHAT! SERIOUSLY! I walked into my attorney's office and signed the papers. So of course, I say to him why can't you just walk into the office and sign the papers? He basically tells me that he doesn't have to explain anything to me! What a complete tosser! He doesn't need to explain anything to me because he knows what a jackass he is sounding like! The black and white is he doesn't want to sign. Why would you pay more money to get the effing papers mailed to you and then mail then back! It makes no sense whatsoever! Oh well! It is official anyway! He's a complete idiot and obviously he doesn't want to be divorced! And not to toot my own horn, but why would he want to be! He's gotta know that he is making a huge mistake! Not that I would take him back anyway! The things he has done during this whole divorce are unforgivable! I guess you see their true colors during something like this and I have! He is such a deadbeat and I can't wait for this to all be over with!
Then to top it off last time I saw him he asked me why I was so happy. I just smiled and said nothing. He hung around unusually long to chat with his kids. As if! He can go two weeks and not even talk to them. He is always too busy for them. So we drive off and next thing I know he is calling me. I of course don't pick up the phone. Then he drives up next to me and holds up the phone to the window and mouths pick up the phone. I get off the other line and call him back. I said what's up Ryan, what do you need? Then he goes on about how he was wondering how my doctor's appointment went! It was effing two weeks ago! Now all of a sudden he cares about the lump in my breast! Then he goes on about how he kept us on insurance until that was all over with so that I could get that checked. You know the caring piece! RIGHT! So I said just so you know, I know you are legally obligated to keep us on insurance until the divorce is over! He went on about how he didn't he just did it for me! WHATEVER! I have no idea what he is trying to pull. I can only guess that he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes and act like he cares about me! A little late for that!

Note to the Next Guy, I Have Spys!

2009-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

So first thing Friday morning I get a phone call from my neighbor in Idaho. She was calling to tell me that my soon-to-be-ex knocked on her door late Thursday night. Apparently, he asked to borrow a shovel! And I know what you are thinking! I am still alive! I am blogging. He was not burying me in the back yard! LOL So in her normal fashion, she asks if there is anything she can do for him. She asks him if he wants some supper and of course he refuses. Then she offers him a bed to sleep in for the night. Again he refuses, which is sooo weird! Especially, since the home in Idaho has no beds in it. Why not sleep in a bed if you get the option? Right! So when the neighbor gets up in the morning she immediately calls me on her way to work. Why does she call me immediately? Because she has found out why he refused dinner and a warm bed. Because he brought his cougar! This is so freaking funny! You would almost have to think that I am making this shit up! I assure you I am not! He totally made her sit in the house while he went and got a shovel. Then to top it off he made her sleep on the floor! He is a total tight ass! If I was taking someone out of town to help me move the rest of my stuff I would surely make sure to get a room so that she would have a place to stay! Hey, let's go to my house (my half a million house) and pack up my stuff. Does that sound like fun? LOL Why does she even want to go? Doesn't he have any guy friends? Doesn't she have kids? Does she have a job? You don't ask a girl to help you move furniture! No he doesn't have any guy friends anymore. He managed to loose all his friends because he is such an a-hole! Karma is awesome! The only person who will help him move is his cougar! I have had to help him move. He would make me move furniture. Then he would have the balls to get mad at me cause I wasn't strong enough! I can only imagine what he is doing to her! I would always say can't you find a friend to help you? Can't you ask a neighbor? He never would! He wanted to torture me! Wanker!
So my neighbor decides, upon my request, to go over and see if he needs any help. Of course, I want her to say "Oh yeah! She is soooo old! You are soooo much hotter than her!" So she goes over and the woman is totally swearing as she is trying to take down shelves in the garage! Ryan doesn't even introduce her! He just let's her sit there and take down shelves and doesn't even say this is my friend! Then she doesn't even turn around and introduce herself! So this is a two part thing! One he is totally embarrassed by her and two she has such low self-esteem that she won't even look the neighbor in the eye! It has to feel like total shit to have driven 5 hours with some guy, help him move, sleep on the floor, and have him act embarrassed by you and not even introduce you! What a wanker! So anyway, I was really upset that he didn't take the kids. My kids cry about missing the neighbor's kids. And I told him if he was to go I wanted him to take them so they could see them. Her kids were totally upset. They wanted to see my kids also. So I texted him and asked him to bring the older child home. Of course, he wouldn't. Wouldn't want anyone to meet the cougar! So I call him Valentine's morning cause I know he has rented the house out. Now the big issue is that if he was to just pay me an extra $300 he could avoid me working full time and putting the kids in daycare. Of course, he won't do that. He would rather pay $750 for daycare than pay me an extra $300. What an idiot! But when I called him I could hear his voice shaking like he was going to cry. His cougar probably totally dumped him cause he is such an idiot! Or at least that is what I'm going to go with cause he totally deserves it! Note to the next guy! I have spys!

Revenge is Sweeter Than You Ever Were!

2009-02-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

So I totally just ran into the perfect thing that would make me feel soooooo much better! I found this link and I have to admit I laughed so hard. I laughed until I cried! Is this for real! Think of all the women out there that could get some serious revenge! I am just imagining Ryan and his cougar! I am still laughing. I will put it out there for everyone else to enjoy! http://www.revengecrabs.com/

Ryan is a Wanker!

2009-02-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

So today I got the new stip with my new LOW agreement with the anti-christ! Of course, everything is all off! Does he really think I am stupid? Does he think I don't read this s***! I can trust him right?! Wrong! So we are talking and he asks me what I am going to do with my stuff in Idaho. So I of course ask him if he has sold it. He tells me he might have rent it and I need to get my own stuff. Seriously! He is going to get his stuff and won't help me out. I ask him to store it in the lake house and he says he wants my stuff out now. Isn't it bad enough that he found some way to drop his family off of health insurance?! How can he even look at himself in the mirror? Then he wants me to get my stuff out of the pod. I tell him that I am looking for a house and I need the stuff to stay in the pod until I get one. He goes on and on about how that would be too long and he wants my stuff out of the pod! I said really Ryan! Do you really need to be this way? He can't just store our stuff until me AND HIS KIDS get into a house! He says I'm just being like you! Excuse me! Being like me? I just f***ing settled to a hell of a lot less to get rid of his ugly arse and he is going to tell me that I am being a b****! If anything I am doing him a favor by taking a lot less so that he can spend it on his wrinkly old cougar! I could take his arse to court! If I did take him to court I am assured that he would defintely foreclose on the two homes and spend anything that we had left on attorneys! I want this over with! I said exactly how am I being? He said you are saying I am making more money than I am! He f***ing is! That is exactly how I am being nice! And can't he think of anything better than that! Come on be original! At least say I'm f***ing your best friend or something! What a f***ing idiot! I hope he chokes!

Cougar Hairball

2009-02-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

So I have been trying really hard not to bitch and moan this year, but 34 days into the year I decided screw it! I'm gonna get my feelings out there for all you to deal with! This morning I am trying to deal with my pissed off feelings already through copious amounts of caffeine and sugar! If you know me it is not like me to eat a donut. Especially a chocolate covered one! I decided today that I deserve it! Because I deserve it Jess! I am supposed to be divorced, but I am still married! Not only am I still married, but I am married to the biggest narcissist a**hole alive! I can't wait until I can state to everyone the time of death of my marriage! I am going to party like a rock star. Hopefully, in Vegas! That would be so fun. All my friends in Vegas celebrating the removal of the biggest narcissist in my life! I need a domestic lobotomy! I would totally check myself into the mental hospital today, but that would only make him win!
I am starting to feel completely harassed. I am seriously debating a restraining order. It started with some threatening emails. He decided to start threaten me about taking me to trial. Then he decided that not only was he going to threaten to take me to trial, he was going to threaten to dump me and the kids off of health insurance. Just as I found a lump in my breast! I am scheduled to have an ultrasound on Friday. So I asked him if he could just hold off until at least after my ultrasound. He said "You found a lump in your breast?" and I said "Yes". Then he continues the conversation by saying "That's too bad!" All in a I don't give a flying s*** tone! Who the f*** says that?! I'm sure everybody understands why I am divorcing him. He's gonna drop us off of insurance the first of February. Technically this is illegal! I think he has found some loop hole though where the insurance is getting terminated by his job! Only a complete a**hole with find some loop hole to make his family uninsurable so that he can be a complete dick head. To top it off I can't apply for CHIP because I don't have any signed legal agreement! I told him this and of course he doesn't seem to care. So there isn't really any way for me to apply without knowing how much I am going to be getting in child support/alimony.
Then I find out this weekend that he is driving around Olympus Cove with my children riding around in the back of his pick-up truck! How effing trailer is this! Everything that I ask him not to do he does anyway just to spite me! All I can think is that he isn't getting any from his cougar or he wouldn't be trying to torture me!
So he has started calling me on my home phone because he knows that I don't have caller id. Otherwise, he knows I won't answer my phone and talk to me. So this weekend my mom decided that she wanted to take the kids for the weekend. I talk to her about it and tell her I am fine with it. So the hard part is she needs to talk to the ex and get his permission. I am not going to call him because I try at all costs not to have any contact with him! Anytime she needs to know something from him I have her call him. So instead of saying that he is fine with her taking the kids he says he needs to talk with me. So once again he calls the home phone so I can't ignore him. Plus he conveniently wants to talk with his kids. He had the opportunity to take them for the weekend, but he was too busy! He had to work Saturday night and Sunday morning! Who really needs to work on a Saturday night and Sunday morning! The kids were all excited to go sledding with him and he had to work Saturday night and Sunday morning! It is so sad! So since he decided to bail on them I needed to find somewhere just as fun to go, so as not to disappoint them. So he calls yesterday to talk to me about sending the kids with my mom. Of course, he knows how much they like being there! As if! He hasn't seen them in almost two weeks! Then when he does see them he leaves them with his sister so he can go to the gym! So when I was talking with him yesterday he asked if the kids were still at my aunts because he wanted to see them! He wanted to see them, but he won't drive an extra 10 minutes to see them at their home! Seriously! Does he think I am stupid?! So he was supposed to bring me a check this weekend. I called him this morning to see why he didn't drop by a check and he says I couldn't get down there. I asked him earlier this week if I could make him up a bunch of envelopes with postage already on them so he can freaking mail me a check! I am at the mercy of him deciding whether or not he can get it to me! This is completely ridiculous! He has only payed partial support for January and now owes for February. My kids don't have lunch money! Take the images away of them standing in the lunch line without lunch and sad looks on their faces. I am just sending them with home lunches for now, but I am completely pissed! So I tell him that I don't even have the money to put money in the kids lunch account and he says anything else! He was a total a**hole. He doesn't even care if his kids have lunch money. I ask him when he is going to get me a check and he says he'll get to it when he gets to it! ARGHH! To top it off my attorney is dragging her feet! All I can say is I hope he chokes on his cougar's hairball and fast!

Meet Me at the Police Station

2009-01-18T21:07:00.001-08:00

Look at this another post in one day. This is totally why I am superstitious. I sit here and write about how great my life is and then the ex finds a way to screw my life over. I call to talk to my kidlings today and end up talking to him. First my daughter tells me that her dad left to go to the gym. Are you f***ing kidding me?! He has them ONE day a week and he chooses to leave them and go to the gym. How convenient it is for him to be living with his sister so he can leave them at anytime. Hopefully, this will get old to her. He probably met his wrinkly, leather skinned, old lady. So anyway, he has been trying to talk to me about the divorce because there is some change going on he says. So I finally ask him what is up because there is no way in HELL I am going to meet him like he says. Of course he wants to meet and sit down with me and go over finances. Why you ask?! Because he apparently had something happen with his job! He won't tell me what this something is, but apparently it is going to greatly affect the amount he can pay in child support and alimony. This from a f***ing idiot who can pay double mortgages. One home being half a million and the other a lake home! SERIOUSLY! He says he can't afford to pay the mortgages and what we have agreed to settle on! So any logical person would say to stop paying the mortgages so you can take care of your kids, but no I was not married to a logical person. I was married to a greedy, self-absorbed, a-hole! SERIOUSLY! Who does this? I'm so sorry I need to make the mortgage on a half a million dollar home that is in another state so I'm not going to be able to pay you child support! HE MADE DOUBLE PAYMENTS! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Of course, he wants to know the minimum I can have to make a down payment on my home. I have already told him the minimum I can take on everything! Now he wants to go lower, just seconds before we are getting ready to sign final documents! And he's even ready to see it all the way to court. Why? Because he wants to waste all the money in attorney's fees. Screw your own kids right?! So he can go ahead and give me less, but then he has the added expense of daycare because if he gives me less I am going to have to work full time and not be able to be home when my kids get off school. I am sure he is totally thinking better daycare than me because I don't deserve a single penny! He already drained the savings just to avoid me having it! So I pick up the kids today and he shouts across the Home Depot parking lot (I'm gonna start meeting him in front of the police station so my scrawny ass doesn't beat the living crap out of him) what's the minimum you can take to get into a house! Really across Home Depot. I said what kind of person pays on two mortgages and not his child support. Your a complete loser and drove off! He's such a deadbeat. So here I am again trying to figure out how the hell I am going to do this all on my own! What's new?

Choose Another Victim

2009-01-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Yes I do realize it has been 12 days since I have last posted. I think I am feeling a little superstitious. I am afraid by talking about what is going on with my life that it might just stop being AWESOME! I am dating and it feels great, but since I am superstitious I am going to wait to fill you all in on that later. I am currently exorcising my ex and it feels great! I went about 20 days without talking to him, halfway to lent and it is starting pay off. So yesterday I finally answered the phone because I know I am strong enough now and I want nothing to do with him. So I ask him what he needs and he asks me whether the kids are going to be staying with my mom this weekend. She had called and invited them to stay, but my sis's kids were sick and i didn't want to take the risk. So he goes on about how he knows the kids love to stay at my mom's and he doesn't want to take that away from them. Blah, blah, blah. I am not stupid. I was married to him for 11 years. He has other plans and wants my mom to take them. So I tell him that I already told her that I wasn't going to send them and I would send them next time. So of course he is like really I know how much they enjoy being there. At this point, I am starting to get irritated. Really, if you don't want the kids let me know and I will work it out! So he gets over that and starts asking if I will talk to him. I told him I would talk to him on the phone, but the second he was disrespectful or hangs up that will cease all conversation for another three weeks. He told me that he noticed that I was ignoring his phone calls and knew why. So now he wants to pretend like we are friends and he asks me how life is going for me. I tell him it is fabulous (and it is)! He is completely taken back by this. He is like really! Yes it is. So then he continues to ask me if I am dating and I said as a matter of fact I am. Total silence on the other end. What the hell did he think was going to happen? Umm.....I did find out that he took his cougar to New Orleans. I'm not sitting around waiting for him to change. As a matter of fact, I want to totally thank his old lady for taking him off my hands, if it weren't for her I am sure I wouldn't be close to divorce. That would make an interesting thank you card! lol. So then he starts going off about how he is glad that I am out there dating because I was going to find out what a bunch of losers there are out there! Really, compared to who? Him? So this was my big break out chance. I totally unloaded on him. I told him how it wouldn't take much to make me happy compared to how he treated me and on the flip side he was going to have to compare every single woman that he dated to me. I may not be perfect, but I sure did try to do everything he said he wanted out of life! And there were good guys out there. These guys actually call me everyday and at least act like they care about me and how I am. I am only looking for my partner in crime, my best friend to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not looking for perfection. I know that is not possible, but I do believe it is possible to spend your life with your best friend. I also got the chance to tell him that I wouldn't be looking for a man as old as my dad though. He just sat there the whole time. He is a complete idiot. He is just sitting back with his old lady as a pawn. A pawn to make me jealous. I told him why the hell would I be jealous of your cougar?! He is totally using her to get to me and in the meantime hoping that I won't find anyone better than him or realize that he is some great catch. Well he's not! I said I don't want to be your victim anymore. You completely abused me. Choose another victim. I think he was in complete shock. So he came over yesterday to pick up the kids and I was all happy and bubbly. He sat on my couch while the kids got ready and looked down the whole time. You could just see that red look on his face like he felt like crap. Then to top it off I was getting tons of text while he was sitting on my couch. I know it was tearing him apart. And while I am a sensitive person, he brought this on himself.

Grow-up Your Not in High School Anymore!

2009-01-06T10:31:00.000-08:00

So I have been ignoring my ex's phone calls. I told him that if he was to treat me disrespectful (i.e. act put out to answer my calls, ignoring my phone calls, not responding to my calls emails or text, by saying what do you need, by saying do you need anything else, hanging up on me, etc. etc.) that I was not going to be picking up his phone calls until he apologized. Now if you have been reading my blog you would know that my ex is a controlling, prideful, selfish, a**hole. It would only be a matter of time until he does this because this is how he plays his game. Now in high school these games are to be expected. Unfortunately, he obviously has not grown up or out of this egotistical mindset. Act like you don't care about the other person and they will like you more. NOT! He will act like a jerk to hurt me in order to put himself in power. So a week ago yesterday (last Monday) I was talking to him and of course he was too busy to talk to me. I was actually trying to talk to him about my son going to therapy. The very thought of him spending money on a therapist to help his son sends his head spinning! Money, money, money has always been huge to him. Hence him chasing the dollar instead of being there for his family when they needed him most. So he doesn't want to talk about it, acts completely put out, tells me he is way too busy. What's new? I know I know! So he hangs up on me. I have had enough of this s***. I have already told him I will no longer be treated this way. So he calls at 11 p.m. on Monday night. I do not answer. He calls at 8 a.m. Tuesday morning and 11 p.m. again on Tuesday night and I do not answer. Keep in mind that my children are at my mother's house since it is Christmas break and I am working. He leaves no messages. Does not text or email me or nothing. So then he texts me on New Years Day wishing me a Happy New Years and says I hope next year is better. Umm..........he is doing this while he is in New Orleans with his f***ing girlfriend, which I will mention is old! As old as his sister mind you! He tells me he sees lots of girls. I guarantee he does not. I will not tell you how I know this, I just do. So he doesn't try to call the rest of the four days he is with her. I know it is bothering him that I am not responding. The biggest part of his game is control. He says he wants to be friends. Quite frankly, I don't need this kind of friendship right now! So he called me again yesterday morning after I had dropped the kids off at school. At precisely one o'clock he emails me this nasty email saying that he has been trying to get ahold of the kids and both me and my mom have not been returning his phone calls. This pisses me off! I lived here for three weeks and he did not once ask to talk to his kids! He doesn't call them during the week. He didn't even call them and ask them how their first day of school is! He shows he doesn't care every single day. Don't even get me started on him telling his son that he likes his girlfriend more than me! He is totally messing them up! They have already told me that they feel like he likes his friends more than our family! He makes them feel like he is replacing all of us with his new "so called friends"! When I step back it is kind of funny. This is his karma! He can move on with his new life, but I can guarantee that it's not going to be as good as I gave him and he is going to measure every single girl up to me and trust me it will be hard! Me on the other hand. Let's see someone who would take away my credit cards, take away my cell phone, ignore me and my feelings. There was always a consequence! He was emotionally abusive and I left because he started to get physically abusive the more non compliant I was. So back to the email. I replied by saying:

if you are trying to get ahold of the kids at 11 at night you should know better than that. also trying to get ahold of them while they are at school seems odd also. i do not have one single message stating that you are trying to get ahold of the kids (no voice, no email, or no text). as far as i know, my mom does not either. i can have them call you after school though.

also i need to make sure that you are able to pick the kids up before 5 on Friday and i need a check.

Trust me the money is killing him too! My mom said that she did not have one single message from him and they have caller id! Pissed her off too! He is trying to say I don't let him talk to his kids! What a dickhead and a liar! He never did reply because he knows I'm right! He is officially using his kids as a pawn to get to me! He needs to grow up and focus his attention on his old lady! Poor thing!

Mom, Dad is Lying to You!

2009-01-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

So I know I haven't blogged over the holiday, but I have a goody to share with the internet world. I never did understand the women who couldn't be alone over the holidays. I think I am a strong person and for the most part I am used to being alone. Well this season was very hard. I felt really lonely. I know I have alot to be grateful for and I am. I have alot of family and friends who love me, but still there is that tug of wanting to share this season with someone else. So for some reason I needed to get that out there, back to my story. On Christmas I had to get the kidlings to the ex. I have noticed that the ex wants me when he has the kids, other than that he wants his girlfriend. He tried to kiss me over the holiday. WHATEVER! So he has them on Christmas and then he needs some lame excuse to see me the day after. He said he needed to borrow gloves. Interestingly enough the weekend before he found some gloves to borrow from his sister. Of course this time is different. So he comes over the day after Christmas to get snow bibs and gloves and he sits on my couch and asks me what my boyfriend gave me for Christmas. I don't know why, but I just started laughing, one of those laughs where you turn red and just start laughing. I was laughing like I was embarrased or something. I really have no idea why. So he asks me what he got me again and I again continue to laugh hysterically. Then he starts to ask me if my boyfriend bought me something that I had to put into my black box. REALLY! What an idiot. I just continue laughing. Then I ask him what his girlfriend got him. He starts naming all this stuff off. He says she got him a shirt.........then she got him a jacket................then she got him some sweatpants..........then she got him some socks. I know there were other things, but this is what I remember. So I ask him what he got her and he said nothing. Instictively, I look at him and say WHAT? She got you all that stuff and you didn't get her anything? I was sort of feeling bad for her. He says why would I get my girlfriend anything. WHATEVER! What a jerk. So I ask him again. You really didn't get her anything? That is rude! He then says that he got her a digital photo frame. I was like oh. Then here comes the good part...... Then my son says to me, "Mom, Dad is lying to you! His girlfriend didn't get him those things Grandma did!" SERIOUSLY! What an idiot! I don't think I even need to say anymore.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice........

2008-12-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

So the other day I went and got a cranial sacral massage in hopes that it would help me clear my head. It wasn't a massage at all. It was a spiritual thing. She asked me if I believed in angels or God. I told her that I wasn't sure about angels, but I believed in God. So she told me that when we started she would start seeing things than wouldn't make sense to her, but would probably make sense to me. I was intrigued. The first thing she said was "Wow, there are a lot of angels around you. I'm going to have to ask them to step back." I asked her why and she told me it was because I was going through so much right now. She told me that my son really had a hard time when I cried and to tell him that I was sad, but everything was going to be okay. This make me start balling. My son has always been very protective of me. When he was four I got separated from him in the grocery store, he was with my step mom and dad. He recalled every single last detail of what I was wearing down to my earrings. He has something about him. He remembers seeing black and white when he was a baby. He tells me that he has deja vu and dreams. Last night I asked him if he saw things and he said no. LOL. Then she gave me some other sorted info about the ex and my family. It was interesting. It did clear my head for the day though.
So today, I am standing in the store with my three kids and I ask them to pick something out for their dad for Christmas. When it was my birthday this year my son had a major fit and cried because he didn't have anything for me. He is very sensitive. I know I know! Let's not go there. So my son says "I don't want to get him anything!" and then he starts crying. I was totally taken back. I asked him why and he told me that his dad was mean and he didn't want to get mean people things for Christmas. Of course, I ask him what happened and he replied that he doesn't care about them and he only cares about his friends. WHAT! Where is this coming from. Then he continues to tell me that he was going to get in trouble, but he was going to tell me anyway. He said that his dad was on the phone the other day and he asked who he was talking to and his dad told him he was talking to his girlfriend and that he liked his girlfriend more than his mom. I asked him how this made him feel and he told me it made him feel like his dad didn't like anyone in our family! WTF! What kind of f***ing idiot tells his son that! Of course my son is completely crushed. I am the only rock in his life. Everyone knows how it feels when someone says something bad about someone you love! I didn't even know what to say! I was totally speechless. What am I supposed to say? I told him that that was a mean thing to say. Then I called and told my ex that my son thinks he doesn't care about him and yada yada. He totally denied everything. I don't know what else to say! What a dumb a**!

Twisting in the Wind

2008-12-08T11:44:00.001-08:00

So in light of my complete mental state I had a therapy appointment and no the ex never did call yesterday even though I completely put my feelings out there. I was talking with a friend yesterday and my doorbell rang. When I called her back she said “Who was that?” I told her my aunt and she said “I though for sure that was the ex!” Yeah right that might actually show that he cares and trust me he is not that kind of person! I have such a hard time understanding how someone can completely disregard your feelings like he has. If I had a friend who was completely balling her eyes out, I would never just leave her “twisting in the wind”! I was talking with my therapist about this and we talked about how I cannot relate to this kind of treatment. I just wouldn’t do it. I would most certainly call this friend and make sure she is okay. Just to see if I can do anything to help. I don’t understand how he can be so heartless. I have told him that this is the very thing that has hurt me the most. Unfortunately, he is using this to use against me. He is telling me that this is the consequence to getting a divorce. The only thing he doesn’t seem to understand is this is what he did when we were married. The other painful thing is that he is talking to this girl on the phone constantly. I told him that what I needed most was not to walk out on me when I was so low. I just need someone to listen and to hug me. That simple. I also wanted him to call me everyday and just see how we were. He could work the long hours as long as he just called to let me know that he cared about me and how I was, but he didn’t call me. He would sit around and chat with his friends instead of me. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted him to share his day with me, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to let me know what was going on with him, but he won’t do this for me. He will do this for some random girl. That is total shit! I pour out 11 years of my life trying to give him what he said I wanted and he can’t do that for me. He can do this for her. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that since he always acted like he had something more important than me, I was just waiting to see if he could do these little things for me. I just needed him to want to do those things for me, but I realize he doesn’t. What makes this girl more special than me? So after talking with my therapist, she helped me find the way to express my feelings after getting them out to her. I have such a hard time communicating when I have so much in my brain and am hurting so bad. She told me that she doesn’t see anything wrong with couples therapy and that if I felt like I needed to tell him how I felt I should, but understand that most likely he was going to use it as ammo. I understand this, but even though he is going to hurt me, I don’t think he can hurt me more. I needed to at least let him know where I was coming from while she had helped me formulate the words. So I called him and told him. Of course, he thinks he has the upper hand now that he knows how weak I am. I just didn’t want him to be able to say I didn’t tell him how I felt. So he listens for a minute. Tells me this is my big consequence. Fine be that as it may, that is his opinion. He is ultimately getting the biggest consequence. Obviously, he doesn’t realize that this very action is the action that made me file for divorce in the first place. I did not see that he was doing any of the things that I needed. I need for someone to call me and let me know that they are thinking of me. I realize that if he cannot do that then he cannot do that and a relationship with him with never work, but he will not be able to say that I didn’t tell him the very thing that I needed. I also realize that I do need to start dating to realize that someone out there will treat me respectfully and want to be with me. Well at the end of this conversation he says to me “I’m not even going to have a conversation with you unless you tell me how you know your information about this girl!” I said “Are you f***ing kidding me?!” You don’t care about how I feel. You only care about this stupid f***ing girl and how I found out about her. Thanks for the answer d***wad!

The Unspeakable

2008-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

So I did the unthinkable today. I let my feelings out. I have been struggling for a while because I found out the ex has been dating someone else. I knew something was up around my son's birthday party. I was okay just thinking it might just be some hearsay, but he confirmed it yesterday. The crappy part is he couldn't just say "I'm dating other people it is time to move on." Instead he says, "I still love you and you still have a chance." So I am totally suffering with why. Why wasn't I good enough? Why doesn't he love me? Why does he lie to me? Why does he treat me like crap? Why does he take my weaknesses and prey on them? I wanted to know. Why does he tell me that he loves me and then treat me like he hates me? He knows how to hurt me and he does purposely! Why do I still love him? He is so mean to me! I don't treat the people I love this way. I really can't understand it. I feel so terrible.
So I talked to him today. I can hear every single person reading this blog sigh. I understand the sigh. The WTF are you doing! He's just going to hurt you! And he did! He acted once again like I was putting him out! I said to him look at the facts. I didn't file for divorce until you shut off all the accounts. I could have filed for divorce after I had been in Utah for three months, but I didn't. I really do think he is capable of being a good husband and father, just obviously not for me. I didn't even date. I had opportunities, but I didn't take them. I have been feeling really rejected. Why can't he come to me and show me how much he loves me if I am all that? I did all the work in the past and I wanted him to show me that I was worth it. That he would do what it takes, but he didn't. He wasn't willing to go the extra mile for me, but he will for someone else. He will talk to this person and tell them how his day went, but he won't share with me. He can take this person out on dates, but he would rather go out with his friends when he was with me. He will leave work and go see her, but he would never leave work for me. I'm sure he will even remember to tell her Happy Birthday! What makes me so different? It's not fair. I knew this was going to hurt, but I wasn't ready for it and I sure didn't realize it would hurt this bad.
So he once again told me that he wasn't going to listen to me and unless I was calling to tell him that I wanted to give myself to him then he didn't want to talk to me. He really knows how to hurt me. So I told him that I just wanted to know why I was never good enough for him. He didn't really answer and said to me I knew you didn't want to get divorced. I said you know that I am totally putting my feelings out there right now and I totally understand that gives you more power to exploit them, but I need to get them out in order to move on. So I go on and on about how I don't understand if you love some one why do you hurt them. He of course says I've made mistakes and WAS willing to change, but he still makes the mistakes. It is one thing to make mistakes, but the point is to learn from them and not do it again. I know he does it to hurt me. I told him that all I have been doing is putting one foot in front of the other because he treats me so terrible. I do love him. I do want him to love me, but he treats me terrible. Not to mention that he has never even treated me like I was his friend. He treated me like I was his nanny or something. I told him I only went through with this because if I didn't I would end up killing myself. I didn't tell him about the killing myself part. So I let all my crappy feelings out. I feel like I went on and on. He didn't say anything. He just sat there and then he said I'm here I gotta go. Okay. I let him know. I can't let him hurt me anymore. I need to move on now. I honestly have to say that I want him to be happy and that obviously wasn't with me. I'm going to try and deal with my feelings the best I can and let him go. I am feeling better now that I let him know how I feel. I can't keep letting him hurt me though. Luckily I won't need to deal with him next weekend with the kids.